Residential Annelid
Rise and shine, they tell you. Today is a new day, they croon. The early bird gets the worm, after all. Yeah, that wouldn’t be an issue if it weren’t for me ACTUALLY being a worm. How would it feel to fear for your life every single morning, dreading that one day one of those feathered rats might dive down and scoop you up? Not your ideal morning, is it?
I was always told that waking up early was the best way to succeed. And I believed that for a while, squirming out of bed at 5 a.m., rolling around in the mud, and sorting my recyclable nutrients. I thought I was making progress, but no matter what I did, those stupid-ass birds would come barreling down my street at 4:59 a.m. in their Cheep Grand Cherokees, looking for some protein. And, spoiler alert, I was most definitely the one going into their protein shakes.
I recently had a talk with my neighbor — who is not a worm — about self-improvement, and he said that the reason I’m not dodging the birds is that I’m just not waking up early enough! Like, hello, I’m wiggling as early as I can over here! Have some social awareness, Jim.
It’s gotten so bad that I’ve talked to the wife several times about moving our family to Wormsconsin, but she ruled out the notion of living next to her brother. I would’ve been fine listening to his conspiracy theories about how “microplastics” are in our dirt, but she just refuses. “This is such a nice neighborhood,” she insists. Sure, the soil is nice and the minerals are great for the kids, but this is no place to raise a wormily.
I grew so desperate for help, that I joined one of those online support groups and finally found my worms. They even set up a march to go through the birds’ neighborhoods — you know, make ourselves known for a change. I was on board with taking back our mornings. Well, when I got there, it was a ghost town. I suddenly found myself swept by a violent breeze, and what followed rocked my non-existent spine. Let’s just say, be sure you check who you’re actually talking to online, because notanearlybird14, wonteatworms24, and Xx_annelidlover_xX, may, in fact, not be worms, but a flock of birds surrounding you.
I knew what came next, so I closed my eyes, flopped onto the pavement, and accepted my fate. But surprisingly, I wasn’t scooped into anyone’s mouths. Instead, I saw one of the birds extending a wing to me. They said something about “grind now, fly later” and “an alpha bird lets problems fly away from him.” Then it hit me. How could I have been so blind? These birds are more full of bologna than I thought! I’m not having any of it, and you best believe I’ll be waking up at 4 a.m. now to show these birds who’s the bigger worm!
Jack? I know a Jack! He's one of the MQ's trustworthy copyeditors. If you want him to refrain from yapping in your ear, do your best to not mention anything regarding the Watchmen comics, modern/postmodern literature, vinyl records or fish.
