Local
Well, he got me, guys. What was supposed to be a very light and chill night hanging with a couple of my SDSU bros ended with a visit from our very own urinary terror. There I was, chilling in Pacific Beach, when after one too many jello shots and a dozen too many White Claws, I blacked out. I awoke to the chilling reality we face as students of this school: we are merely prey to the apex predator which lurks amongst us. That’s right, folks. The UCSD Pisser got me.
For the uninitiated, The Pisser has been skulking under the cover of night making hit-and-run strikes on campus landmarks and marking his territory by recording videos of himself loosing his powerful stream upon our sacred university. What evil machinations compel a man to desecrate our hallowed monuments, I do not know.
I was roused this morning in a hungover daze at around 5 a.m., colder than usual. The tangy funk of pee-pee and whee-whiz hung on the gentle breeze through my cracked window. Immediately, I knew: I became prey to the villain terrorizing Tritons for months. I sloshed out of my blankets to assess the damage. Not only did The Pisser target me, he seemed to have taken a special umbrage, releasing what I can only describe as a milk-jug’s worth of urine upon my once crisp, clean sheets. What once was white is now yellow. What once was blue is now green. Where once I had naïveté, I now have cold, soggy, dripping reality.
I can only surmise that The Pisser had been stalking me all night and punished me for consorting with students from our rival school. It chills me to the bone to know that between Duck Dive, Dirty Birds, Thrusters, Shore Club, Waterbar, and Open Bar (which I have hazy memories of being ejected from), I was being stalked. What is even more terrifying is that I live on the 21st floor in the Vela building in Pepper Canyon West. This means that The Pisser either infiltrated two separate locked doors for a frontal assault, scaled 21 stories to sneak in through my open window, or the most harrowing possibility, The Pisser is one of my seven roommates, and the enemy lays his head closer than I could’ve possibly imagined.
I am truly shaken and humbled by this experience. They say you never think the worst will happen to you until it does. After this event, I am left anxious and paranoid. Truly, I could use some time to unwind. If anyone wants to join me in shaking these blues, I will be doing a bar crawl at the Gaslamp next weekend! Until then, stay safe, stay dry, and party on dudes!
