Walk Your Scooters! vs. But I Don’t Want To :(

Point: Walk Your Scooters!

I think I speak for most of my fellow pedestrians on campus when I say that these scooters have become an issue. E-scooters on the bike path? No problem! That’s what they’re there for. I have nothing against the use of e-scooters. In fact, I think I would use an e-scooter if I had one. What I do have a problem with, however, is the use of e-scooters on the path meant for pedestrians. Is it really that hard to walk your scooter on the sidewalk? It shouldn’t be; there are literally signs up to remind you. At least give me an “on your left!” to warn me. Would it be too much to ask you to attempt to dodge us pedestrians? You won’t be given extra points for near-misses, or for actually ramming into someone at 20 miles per hour. I really am tired of having to walk into student health services for the 15th time this week because some fool forced me to jump into the bushes. Please, all I want is for walkers and scooters to coexist peacefully. I want to live in a world where pedestrians and scooter riders can take each others’ hands and really feel the love. I’m tired of feeling like I’ve only just escaped with my life every time I walk for more than five minutes on this campus. I am tired of flinching every time a silent e-scooter materializes from the shadows behind me. I am tired of dodging someone flying down Ridgewalk, on their phone with headphones in — the bike path is literally right there! I am exhausted from watching e-scooters speeding down the path at 30 miles per hour. At that point, you should need a license to scoot! I am tired of living in fear. I just want some peace of mind whenever I walk down the sidewalk. Pedestrians don’t walk in your path, so please, don’t scoot in ours.

Counterpoint: But I Don’t Want To 🙁

Listen, Bud, I’m gonna be real with you. It sounds like we have different priorities here. You want to waste your college years acting like some kind of goody-goody nerd all the time, and I want to actually enjoy myself while I’m still young. If I were you, I’d check myself before trying to push my dweebish lifestyle on anyone else. How do you think we even stayed friends after graduating from high school, Bud? Did you ever think about that? No? I’ll tell you why. It’s because your literal mother has been giving me 200 bucks a week just to hang out with you.

Let’s backtrack for a minute here. Do you remember that football game during sophomore year of high school, when I was gonna go back and get absolutely lit with the guys at Johnny’s house afterward, but I ended up just coming over to your house to study for the big physics test? I’ll tell you why that happened, Buddy. It’s ’cause just as I was heading out to the parking lot, I felt a tender hand on my shoulder. It was your mother. She told me that I was kind of your only fr