Newly Humanized
POINT: Tesla Is the Future of Accessibility
The worst thing to happen to anybody just happened to me. I’m temporarily disabled because of a tragic bus accident. It totally was not my fault; Cady pushed me! I finally understand how terrible it is for people who have to live like this all the time! If I had to live like this, like, all the time, forever, I don’t think I could do it. The neck brace is so ugly!!! :( Thank god my mommy bought me a Tesla as soon as I left the hospital.
It’s literally the most accessible car ever. I can’t turn my head because of this ugly neck brace, but there’s cameras so I don’t even have to. It automatically changes lanes when there’s no one coming, and the car dings when the light turns green, so I don’t have to look up, either. Way easier to text and drive! The Drowsiness Warning System always tells me when I’m asleep, so I don’t even need to try to stay awake anymore. The park assist makes parallel parking so much easier, and with the voice commands, I don’t have to lift a finger to change the AC. It’s the perfect car, period.
I’m not very tech-savvy, but it’s just so intuitive that I don’t know how anyone wouldn’t understand the features. I love to play games on the iPad screen when I’m on my way to class. And because it’s an electric vehicle, I’m literally saving the environment, so the entire sustainability club has to vote for me for Spring Fling Queen. I can’t wait for every car to be self-driving so I don’t have to deal with the
gas-guzzling whores who don’t have the same sexy Tesla tech.
Sooo Cute!
COUNTERPOINT: How Do I Open These Fucking Doors
The following was translated from meows by Google Translate.
“I don’t have opposable thumbs, how am I supposed to open these doors?! How am I meant to curl up in the toasty seats and make the heated wheel scream if I can’t get into the metal monster in the first place? The light rectangle doesn’t react to my kitty paws like it does yours because I don’t have fine meowtor control. It’s like you want me to climb up inside instead of just getting in the normal way. At least I would, if I could figure out where the big warm place is, because usually it’s in the front, but there’s nothing under the head of this particular metal monster you recently brought back to our nest.
“You two-legs have invented millions of ways to make my life harder with your strange new food bowls and litter boxes. How am I meant to yowl at you for a second breakfast if you’re outsourcing the job to an unliving box? I tried biting and hissing at it, and the red light just blinked at me. And then you laughed, like it was adorable for me to starve at your mercy. Where’s the fun of emeowtional mewnipulation, of the extra pets while you get the delicious meat ready for my bowl? I will scratch you and everything you hold dear in protest until you bring back the old things.”
Kaz Nuckowski is a Copy Editor for the Muir Quarterly. They are usually found in Half Dome laughing and encouraging students to share their wit or giving their own suggestions to make everyone else laugh. Never doubt Kaz and their skills because they will surprise you, especially when the spread has a comic open and they are feeling inspired!
