Last week, millions of Swifties experienced “several bear attacks” as they attempted to buy tickets for Taylor Swift’s upcoming tour, Eras. As a result of the fiasco, an antitrust probe has been opened on Ticketmaster. To get ahead of the potential litigation, Ticketmaster CEO Benjamin “Profits over People” Capataliste announced he would be taking measures to ensure Ticketmaster would not hold a monopoly over the industry any longer.

“I was so shocked by the fact that Ticketmaster had a monopoly over ticket sales and knew I had to do my part as an American,” said Capataliste. “So I opened a brand new company, Masterticket, to ensure Ticketmaster would no longer be able to scam the public alone!”

After news of Masterticket’s launch, lovers of music rejoiced. “Finally, a way to support my favorite artists without being scammed by those assholes at Ticketmaster,” said self-proclaimed Taylor Swift superfan Alecia Ribbons. “I wish I could meet the genius behind Masterticket and thank them so much for fighting against those evil bastards over at Ticketmaster. I’m so glad competition in the free market has won again.”