“It really takes the laughter out of manslaughter,” stated Barney Medler.
Photo by James Woolley
On Wednesday, at a joint press conference held by the FBI and DMV, the two agencies announced that there was nothing they could do about the newest threat facing the nation. The announcement followed the resignation of United States Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin after the military failed to deal with the crisis. “I regret to inform the American people that nothing we tried could stop the threat,” said Austin. “We’ve tried attacking it with spike strips, a banana peel, and even a particularly brave Marine armed with a torque wrench, but sadly, all failed. I have no choice but to warn you to all stay inside, away from all windows, and avoid thinking funny things. Good luck to you all.”
The threat started two weeks ago, when a group of interns working at Comedy Central had an idea for a promotional event. “We called it ‘The Wheels of Comedy Central,’” said intern Stoclow Narthen. “We would drive around in a car, and when people tagged funny things they heard on Twitter with their location, we would road trip across the country to meet them and steal their jokes.”
The innocent idea soon took a turn for the worse, after a mishap in Iowa. “While we were fueling up, I ran into the gas station to grab some snacks, and then it happened. We simultaneously got tweets from New York and California, and the car was torn between the two directions,” explained intern Banana Peele. “We finally decided to try and speed up the car to make it to both locations by the end of the day. I grabbed all the energy drinks I could find, plus some pills that said they would help with performance, and dumped them all into the gas tank. That’s when the car awoke.”
Once the car came to life, it sped towards California. “At this point, we were feeling confident, and I was happy that the performance pills were working,” said Peele. “After four hours, we noticed the unforeseen side effect of us no longer having the ability to control the car at all. The car started acting even more erratic and violent when we reached California. By the time we reached young Timothy’s house, the wheels of Comedy Central were spinning too fast. He ran out, excited to meet us, but it was all over so quickly. Blood and transmission fluid painted the street, and the car had already taken credit for his joke.”
After the tragic death of Timothy Chamo at just nine years old, police attempted to stop the vehicle. “Unfortunately, the Comedy Central car was just too fast for us to catch,” said officer Barney Medler. “Little Timmy may never be properly credited for his joke, and it’s all social media’s fault. Kids should stay off their phones.”
As the car sped throughout the nation, it made many more devastating stops. “The worst was a stand up show for comedians in West Virginia. The windshield has been tinted red ever since,” said Narthen. “At this point the car doesn’t even need Twitter, it can sense the comedy. All we can do is try to warn people that the car is coming.”
Citizens are advised to seek shelter and say unfunny things if they see a beat up, bloodstained car. The interns are known to yell, “The wheels of Comedy Central are turning!” as a warning when the car closes in on a new victim.