Volume 29 Issue 1

Online Exclusives

Newton’s Long-lost Fourth Law Revolutionizes Physics

Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

Last Saturday, a janitor was cleaning out a closet and stumbled into a hidden chamber at Trinity College in Cambridge, England. Inside the chamber was an …

Online Exclusives

UCSD to Remove All Grass on Campus for the Construction of Ninth College

Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

As the construction of its Eighth College nears completion, UC San Diego’s administration has announced a plan for the university’s ninth college, Ninth College. “We needed …


Elon Musk Declares Himself “Techno-Emperor of the Universe”

Written by: Jacob King

Elon Musk Declares Himself “Techno-Emperor of the Universe” Musk made the announcement on Twitter this morning, where he also said that he has “already been forcing …


Student Shocked to Discover Pete Davidson is Now Dating Her Mother

Written by: James Woolley

“He has so many tattoos, I feel like it would be more special if he didn’t get one of my name,” said Jennifer Dong.Photo by James …


Mercedes Launches New Brake Line Subscription Service

Written by: Farhad Taraporevala and Chris Choung

“And I thought my car was crazy for making me pay for a gas subscription,” said Shapoor Laliwalla.Photo by Sharon Roth Last Thursday, Mercedes-Benz announced a …


Amidst Recession Fears, U.S. Federal Reserve Adopts New Monetary Policy of “Get Your Money Up”

Written by: Jacob King

“I want you to grind really hard,” said Jerome Powell, chair of the Federal Reserve.Photo by Julia Wong After two quarters of negative economic growth and …


Minotaur Discovered in UCSD Tunnels

Written by: Connor Betterly

“There’s a minotaur in the tunnels? I call bullshit,” announced one fourth-year.Photo by Amit Roth It is common knowledge among UC San Diego students that there …


Breaking Bones Is Good for You Because Then You Have More Bones

Written by: Pranav Reddy

Don’t trust Big Bone! All they want is to preserve their calcium cartel. Trust me on this one: breaking your bones is good for you. Who …


The Wheels of Comedy Central Are Turning

Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

“It really takes the laughter out of manslaughter,” stated Barney Medler.Photo by James Woolley On Wednesday, at a joint press conference held by the FBI and …

Top 10

Top Ten Things the FBI Found in Mar-a-Lago

Written by: The MQ

Waldo Home Alone 2: Lost in New Yorkon Blu-ray Love letters to Vladimir Putin A hole that just seems to godownwards forever A life-sized bust of …