Volume 29 Issue 1

Online Exclusives

Newton’s Long-lost Fourth Law Revolutionizes Physics

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Last Saturday, a janitor was cleaning out a closet and stumbled into a hidden chamber at Trinity College in Cambridge, England. Inside the chamber was an …

Online Exclusives

UCSD to Remove All Grass on Campus for the Construction of Ninth College

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As the construction of its Eighth College nears completion, UC San Diego’s administration has announced a plan for the university’s ninth college, Ninth College. “We needed …

Briefs

Elon Musk Declares Himself “Techno-Emperor of the Universe”

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Elon Musk Declares Himself “Techno-Emperor of the Universe” Musk made the announcement on Twitter this morning, where he also said that he has “already been forcing …

ArticlesCampusNews

Student Shocked to Discover Pete Davidson is Now Dating Her Mother

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“He has so many tattoos, I feel like it would be more special if he didn’t get one of my name,” said Jennifer Dong.Photo by James …

ArticlesNewsTech

Mercedes Launches New Brake Line Subscription Service

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“And I thought my car was crazy for making me pay for a gas subscription,” said Shapoor Laliwalla.Photo by Sharon Roth Last Thursday, Mercedes-Benz announced a …

ArticlesNewsPolitics

Amidst Recession Fears, U.S. Federal Reserve Adopts New Monetary Policy of “Get Your Money Up”

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“I want you to grind really hard,” said Jerome Powell, chair of the Federal Reserve.Photo by Julia Wong After two quarters of negative economic growth and …

ArticlesCampusNews

Minotaur Discovered in UCSD Tunnels

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“There’s a minotaur in the tunnels? I call bullshit,” announced one fourth-year.Photo by Amit Roth It is common knowledge among UC San Diego students that there …

ArticlesEditorialOpinion

Breaking Bones Is Good for You Because Then You Have More Bones

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Don’t trust Big Bone! All they want is to preserve their calcium cartel. Trust me on this one: breaking your bones is good for you. Who …

ArticlesNews

Pirate Parrots Display “Matey Dance”

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“Ahoy,” chirped the parrot, who then declined to give any further comment.Photo By Julia Wong Dr. Perry Keates, ornithologist, has spent the last 15 years studying …

Briefs

Fantasy Football Punishment Ends With Three in Jail

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Fantasy Football Punishment Ends With Three in Jail Every September, millions of people participate in fantasy football. For some, the joy comes from drafting their favorite …