Volume 29 Issue 1

Online Exclusives

Newton’s Long-lost Fourth Law Revolutionizes Physics

Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

Last Saturday, a janitor was cleaning out a closet and stumbled into a hidden chamber at Trinity College in Cambridge, England. Inside the chamber was an …

Online Exclusives

UCSD to Remove All Grass on Campus for the Construction of Ninth College

Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

As the construction of its Eighth College nears completion, UC San Diego’s administration has announced a plan for the university’s ninth college, Ninth College. “We needed …


Elon Musk Declares Himself “Techno-Emperor of the Universe”

Written by: Jacob King

Elon Musk Declares Himself “Techno-Emperor of the Universe” Musk made the announcement on Twitter this morning, where he also said that he has “already been forcing …


Student Shocked to Discover Pete Davidson is Now Dating Her Mother

Written by: James Woolley

“He has so many tattoos, I feel like it would be more special if he didn’t get one of my name,” said Jennifer Dong.Photo by James …


Mercedes Launches New Brake Line Subscription Service

Written by: Farhad Taraporevala and Chris Choung

“And I thought my car was crazy for making me pay for a gas subscription,” said Shapoor Laliwalla.Photo by Sharon Roth Last Thursday, Mercedes-Benz announced a …


Amidst Recession Fears, U.S. Federal Reserve Adopts New Monetary Policy of “Get Your Money Up”

Written by: Jacob King

“I want you to grind really hard,” said Jerome Powell, chair of the Federal Reserve.Photo by Julia Wong After two quarters of negative economic growth and …


Minotaur Discovered in UCSD Tunnels

Written by: Connor Betterly

“There’s a minotaur in the tunnels? I call bullshit,” announced one fourth-year.Photo by Amit Roth It is common knowledge among UC San Diego students that there …


Breaking Bones Is Good for You Because Then You Have More Bones

Written by: Pranav Reddy

Don’t trust Big Bone! All they want is to preserve their calcium cartel. Trust me on this one: breaking your bones is good for you. Who …

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Roommate Wanted

Written by: The MQ

$700/month, $5,000 security deposit 30 sqft. 1312 Lain Lane, La Jolla CA, 92122 Seeking roommate to share a 30-squarefoot apartment. No need to buy your own …


British Currency Depicts Prince William Instead of King Charles III

Written by: Madeline Mozafari

British Currency Depicts Prince William Instead of King Charles III After the death of Queen Elizabeth II, citizens of the United Kingdom were concerned that they …