Breaking Bones Is Good for You Because Then You Have More Bones

Written by: Pranav Reddy

By Ken Bone
Bone Enjoyer

Don’t trust Big Bone! All they want is to preserve their calcium cartel. Trust me on this one: breaking your bones is good for you. Who doesn’t want more bones? My doctor tells me some nonsense about my bones “fusing” and “puberty.” That’s all bullshit. I had so many bones as a kid, but now I have way fewer. The only explanation is that someone did something to me. The current working hypothesis of the Bone & Organ Natural Endowment for Research is that Big Milk lobbied the Eisenhower administration to decrease the amount of calcium in milk. Kennedy discovered this and planned to reverse course, but the milk industry allied with Fidel Castro to assassinate him.

You might still be skeptical, but I assure you that all available scientific evidence supports us. Our educational department has published several papers that are stuck in review thanks to the meddling influence of Big Bovine. But let’s review the evidence. Firstly, children are born with about 300 bones. However, adult skeletons typically have 206 bones. Where did the extra 94 bones go? Fusing? Sure, as if there’s a natural process through which your bones slowly but surely join together by replacing the cartilage that connected them. Complete nonsense. This paper-thin logic just goes to show that doctors want people to have fewer bones so they have to work less and have more time to play gacha games.

Most importantly, having more bones is better for you. Who doesn’t love bones? They keep you from turning into a horrific mass of flesh and organs. Also, bones are kinda like strength if you think about it, so having more bones makes you stronger. On top of that, who likes the number 206? 206 has no pizzazz, no flare! Look at 300. All the zeroes. A bigger number, too. Three times 10 times 10. No one even knows how to divide 206. 300 is way cooler. Great movie too. Zack Snyder made an awesome flick. Absolutely no subtext to that movie. Just handsome, buff, manly men murdering thousands of effeminate foreigners.

The consequences of boneless living are everywhere. Men are no longer men. Women are no longer women. I yearn for the days when a woman would present her rib bone as a lovely offering of marriage to a strapping young man. This is why women have one rib fewer than men, so that when they get married they can even out their ribcage. As a very traditional man myself, this has been a major obstacle to my endeavors with the female sex.

But let’s get down to business. Where should you start to get back all your bones? We at the Bone & Organ Natural Endowment for Research endorse several methods. Firstly, stop wearing your seatbelt. Big Milk made a dark alliance with Big Car to raise car prices and take away our bones. Real men enjoy the feeling of flying out of a windshield, and you should too. This is a simple and easy way to get your bone count up.

We also recommend small stress fractures. Try smashing your tibia or humerus. Although perhaps painful, we think of it as a joyous act of rebellion against the establishment. Stop drinking milk, it only makes you lose more bones. Enjoy your new, bony life!

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