Mercedes Launches New Brake Line Subscription Service


Written by: Farhad Taraporevala and Chris Choung

“And I thought my car was crazy for making me pay for a gas subscription,” said Shapoor Laliwalla.
Photo by Sharon Roth

Last Thursday, Mercedes-Benz announced a new subscription service that will be featured in all of their new vehicles starting in the second quarter of 2023. Carson Axlerod, CEO of Mercedes-Benz, said, “BMW beat us to market with their subscriptions, but we know we can achieve a more luxurious service. We fully expect our customers will enjoy purchasing these features repeatedly in this economy.” Axlerod continued, “We have had a breakthrough in brake technology, and have made it possible to turn brakes on and off from our headquarters in Stuttgart. We will now be offering brakes for the low price of $35.95 per month.”

The announcement ignited discussion in the car community, with car enthusiasts divided into two main camps: those who found the new feature an innovation, and those who found it a travesty. “I’m so ecstatic I can finally save money with this new innovative feature,” said billionaire Emerald Cash. “Now I don’t have to worry about paying for the brakes on all 20 of my cars every month, but can pick and choose when I feel like telling my chauffeur to enable the brakes on each of my cars.”

Despite the support for Mercedes’ newest announcement, some owners felt the idea was a waste of money and that brakes were a service that was important to be provided in a car. Many of those in disagreement with the company’s movement had very similar stories of their experience. “Yeah, when I first got my car, I thought I was going to have a brake ready to go,” said Shapoor Laliwalla. “Unfortunately, when I finally drove my car off of the lot, I encountered a red light. I tried to stop, but I just kept going, right into a police car. I almost died, since everything but the brakes blew up in the crash. At least Mercedes-Benz’ brake materials are durable, but I’m definitely going to have to go back to the store to figure out that brake situation once the rest of the car gets fixed. And to the DMV, to sort out this ticket. Frankly, I’m not sure which is worse.”

Although most car owners chose to pay for their brake subscription, some owners decided their money was better spent in other ways. “Why would I need brakes?” asked physicist David Bob Deureg. “Whenever I need to stop, I just throw my parachute out of the window, and ten to twelve minutes later, I’ve safely stopped my car. If I don’t have my handy-dandy parachute with me, I’ll simply somersault my way out and pray for the best! With my eyes closed, obviously.”

After news of Deureg’s innovation spread, parachute sales shot through the roof, as well as the popularity of his somersault classes every Tuesday night. “Now that brakes are no longer required, we have saved so much money every month,” said one father, Lucas Vater. “Even though little Suzy failed the last somersault, and we had to spend a lot on her funeral and cremation, at least we don’t have to pay for her funeral every month.”

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