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Amidst Recession Fears, U.S. Federal Reserve Adopts New Monetary Policy of “Get Your Money Up”

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“I want you to grind really hard,” said Jerome Powell, chair of the Federal Reserve.
Photo by Julia Wong

After two quarters of negative economic growth and high inflation, many Americans are worried about the possibility of a recession. In response, the Biden administration chose to acknowledge the downturn, but refused to label it a recession. In line with this decision, Jerome Powell, chair of the Federal Reserve, believes that getting the economy back on track means Americans “have to hustle harder.”

“We don’t believe that America has an economic problem, we believe that America has a mindset problem,” said Powell. “People don’t want to work. They don’t want to grind. There are no other external factors relating to this downturn. We believe that if every American picked up just a few more hours at their job or just dipped into their savings a bit to spend some more money, the GDP would keep looking very nice. And maybe they wouldn’t even lose their house or job, I guess.”
In accord with this new policy, the Biden administration has launched the “Bootstrap Initiative,” a campaign aimed at helping the average American make it through these times. One of POTUS’s recommendations is to get a side hustle. “Even if you’re already working two jobs, there is always time for a side hustle,” the infographic reads. “Like getting into sports betting or day trading stocks on your phone during your lunch break.”

As part of the campaign’s outreach, many “grindset” TikTok creators were invited to an event at the White House. One of these creators, “Macho Real Man Alpha Dog Gilbert” gave a speech. “I’m so glad the world is finally listening to what I’ve been saying for so long,” said Gilbert. “Anybody can be successful, all it takes is a lot of hard work. All I had when I stated was motivation, a good mindset, and $50,000 from my parents to pay for my lifestyle while this influencer shit was making me like zero money.”

The administration’s campaign gained popularity amongst some of the population. “I actually love inflation,” said Stan Gerdanger, trying to resell McDonald’s chicken nuggets to kids at the playground. “A 9.1% inflation rate means I only need to hustle 9.1% harder.”

“The ‘Bootstrap Initiative’ has done wonders for me and my family,” said La Jolla resident Terry Redmond. “It really opened my eyes to all the opportunities to make money in this country. I found a great side gig that lets me make my own hours and be my own boss. Hey, how are you doing for cash right now? Can I interest you in signing up under me? All it takes is like $2,000 to buy the initial product, but soon you’ll be making so much more. These babies really just fly off the shelf.”

The policy is also quite popular with corporations. “I’ve never been more happy with the government’s response to a recession,” said Kellogg’s CEO, Billy Corn. “I’m raising prices, firing people, and all they’re doing is working harder. My bank account has never been better. I think this policy has shown us who the government is truly looking out for — the huge corporations in need.”

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