“I spoke to The Creature and I thought he was a really nice guy,” said one UCSD administrator.
Photo by Julia Wong

Last Monday, UC San Diego issued a statement declining to take responsibility for the presence of what has come to be known as “The Creature” among students. The Creature has been described as “sasquatchian in nature, except covered in perfectly smooth feathers,” by one eyewitness. According to multiple students, The Creature has been “terrorizing the campus for months on end.”

“To the UC San Diego community, we have heard your complaints regarding this so-called ‘creature,’ and we fully understand and sympathize with you,” said one administrator by email. “However, this isn’t really our problem. Yes, we may have accidentally unearthed it during the groundbreaking ceremony for Ninth College. And yes, we understand that it is the source of all of your misery on campus. And yes, we know that it has impacted housing, dining, and even hospitality with its devious antics. But, quite frankly, we can’t be bothered to deal with it right now. It’s just not in the budget for this quarter. However, we are excited to announce that construction will begin shortly on Tenth College!” The rest of the statement contained elaborations on the upcoming expansions, which are set to be constructed over the Gilman Parking Structure.

This statement has been met with controversy among students who have been impacted by the presence of The Creature. “I just feel so disrespected by the administration,” one commuter student said. “Just this week, I’ve seen The Creature three separate times. Each time, it had a paintbrush and bucket, and it was painting over all the S and SR parking spots with A’s and B’s! And now, I’ve got nowhere to park! I had to park my car all the way at Scripps, and my class was in Revelle. It’s unbelievable!”

Commuter students aren’t the only students who have come into contact with The Creature. Students have reported that the “excessive” wait times at Canyon Vista’s Fusion Grill are due to the meddlings of The Creature. 

“I’ve heard that The Creature actually has hundreds of tentacle arms and hundreds of mobile phones. I’m sure it spends all day ordering burger after burger from Fusion Grill,” reported one diner. “It must be eating the staff, too — because every time I’m there, there are only two people in the kitchen! I’m sure the school could hire more employees, but they’re too busy with their latest construction project to bother fixing the preexisting issues we face here.” 

When approached for comment, Khosla replied by iMessage: “Yeah, we know about The Creature. Thing is, it ain’t our problem. I mean, I don’t eat here at these dining halls. I don’t live on campus. And I have my own private parking spot. How does this affect me, I ask you? Answer: it doesn’t. And frankly, who cares about these old facilities? We can always build bigger and better alternatives instead. In fact, in just 43 short years, when we finally finish construction on Thirtieth College, nobody is even going to care about these issues at all. It’s all just a matter of time.”

The Creature could not be reached for comment, but was most recently reported to be roaming South Parking Structure with a machete, slashing tires on cars with parking tickets.