The Joe Rogan Experience will become available to every US citizen in the coming month.
Photo by Jordan Whitlow
In what is being called one of the “most significant” scientific breakthroughs of the decade, a team of researchers assembled from several elite universities have unveiled the world’s first fully artificial personality. Their publication described the development of the first of what is expected to be a large set of different personalities that could eventually be brought to the market. Lead researcher Chad Westphalia described their broader plan as an “ethical, profit-driven initiative with the intention of maximizing productivity at any cost.” The personality is delivered to the user via a variation of the experimental Neuralink chip, which has the capability of influencing the behavior, emotions, and beliefs of the person who has it implanted in them.
The project, dubbed “mindX”, has allegedly run significantly over its initial budget, forcing many of the involved universities to make drastic cuts to their other research initiatives. An anonymous university administrator explained how the monetary needs of mindX had affected other work conducted by the school. “We’ve slashed pretty much all our environmental science undergrad programs and research to allocate more resources to this. With the planet hitting 1.5 degrees of warming over a decade ahead of schedule, what’s really the point of studying climate change any more? That doesn’t excite the public, and more importantly, it isn’t something that donors want to touch now. Meanwhile, this exciting new brain chip technology gets us so much more media attention, and its future development will let our educational institution maximize our profits in the coming years.”
“If this research is so bad, just think about how this could make somebody like myse— my good friend feel like their family loves them,” said Elon Musk during the fourteenth hour of a debate in an X Space, formerly known as a Twitter Space. “My — I mean his children and ex-wives no longer want anything to do with him, but this new research means we can now make anyone act like someone who actually wants to publicly associate with me! With my friend, I mean!”
According to researcher Derek Thrombly, finding a human test subject proved especially challenging. “It had to be somebody with absolutely no regard for how they were perceived by the world,” he explained. “Somebody spineless, but also ambitious enough to participate in this groundbreaking research. They would have to be able to say and do pretty much anything somebody told them to, and at least make an effort of looking natural while doing it. We spent about half a billion to build an AI model to generate a list of the top candidates, but every person it recommended was busy with a job in Congress. So, we had to get a bit creative.”
“This has been a dream come true,” said podcaster Joe Rogan. “It took so much effort to keep track of what each episode’s guest was saying in order to make my personality and beliefs match theirs exactly. Now, this little chip just lets me know what I should be doing and thinking, without all of that ‘conversation’ bullshit. It’s exciting stuff, man.”
Other early test subjects of the technology have reported feeling no adverse side effects, though it has been noted that every single one, after the chip was activated, purchased several subscriptions to X Premium, formerly known as Twitter Blue.
