“This is a sticky situation, we have to handle it carefully,” Stork explained.
Photo by Sharon Roth
Many UCSD students took dorm decor to the next level with “thoughtful” arrangements of Post-It art on their windows for passersby to appreciate. While their peers found enjoyment in the often funny messages scattered across different residential halls, UCSD admin has not found it quite so entertaining.
“This is an academic institution, first and foremost,” said Mary Lam, Head of Housing. “It’s disappointing that our own students would taint our campus in this manner. We have provided them with the resources to learn and further their education at the low cost of $34,000. And this is their contribution to the community?” Lam then shook her head, scoffing at a window with “NICE COCK” spelled out with yellow sticky notes.
As the art of Post-It arrangement spread across the seven colleges, school officials deemed the situation out of control. They have instructed UCSD police to crack down on individuals responsible for inappropriate Post-It art utilizing a “stop-and-frisk” policy that the administration claims “definitely eliminated crime in New York.”
“We’re big fans of what Bloomberg has done for New York,” said Tony Stork, a UCSD police officer. “I’m honored to be part of the initiative to clean our campus morally. I’ve already caught 10 people today! I just stood in the stationary section of the bookstore, and anyone who dared even touch a Post-It was slammed against the wall and handcuffed with extreme prejudice.”
Punishment for Post-It art includes a vandalism fee, academic probation, and a standard serving of raw chicken from Café Ventanas. Students are not allowed to pursue other dining options while under persecution. “We just want to make people laugh, man,” an anonymous student said. “I didn’t mean any harm when my roommate and I spelled out ‘BIG TITS’ on our window.” They sobbed, continuing: “We just like tits.”
When asked about the profile of the average Post-It vandalist, multiple officers have agreed that most-likely offenders are “men carrying backpacks and women with pastel highlighters who know too much about stationary.” Stork recollected an incident that occurred Monday: “I stop two guys walking in Revelle quad, moving fast huffing and puffing. I ask, ‘Why are you moving so fast?’ They respond with some lame excuse, like, ‘Oh, our last class was in Warren and we have 10 minutes to get to York.’ Ha! Likely story. So then I ask, ‘What are you carrying in that backpack? More Post-Its?’” Stork chuckled, “The guys looked pale as all hell when I asked that. I shook down both of them. The first guy’s bag, out flops a bag of mushrooms, a rope, and a loaded handgun. All clean. The second guy, however, was a big score. I sifted through his binders, launched his textbooks into the air, let them smack onto the concrete. I even smashed open his new bottle of cologne, just to see if he had stuffed any contraband inside. I almost gave up, but there it was: the Post-Its neatly packed in a plastic wrap. I slammed him to the ground and dragged him to my golf cart. This is why we stay vigilant against all levels of threats to the community.”
While some Post-It artists have taken their works down in fear, many leave them up in defiance. An underground network of sticky note dealers has emerged in support for this resistance. “They can’t keep silencing us like this,” the anonymous student said, however, law enforcement is as resilient as ever. “We hope to make the community a better, purer place through this initiative,” said Stork while dragging another student into his cart. “We’re already making so much of a difference, and I hope, one day, we can live in a world where no one writes ‘SEND NUDES’ on their dorm window.”