“The future of our school mascot is up in the air — 265 feet, to be exact,” said Douglas Upton.
Photo by Kai Nguyen
The Stuart Art Collection has been an iconic part of UC San Diego’s branding and image since its inception. Now, with the ongoing construction projects scattered throughout the university, UCSD’s marketing department has decided to shift away from its artistic roots and canonize the construction cranes as both the university’s new official mascot and a symbol of the “brutalist architecture aesthetic” on campus.
When asked why the construction crane was chosen as the new mascot, Chancellor Khosla replied, “King Triton is outdated. Who cares about some ancient merman holding a weird-looking fork? The majestic construction crane represents our university’s commitment to standing tall, establishing deep roots, and constantly striving for innovative construction projects. As the mighty construction crane creates valuable infrastructure, its evolution into a mascot resembles my core value of creating more value for myself — and the campus — with just a little help from your bank accounts.”
This change has been met with overwhelming support from the student body. A poll conducted by the UC Mascot Society revealed that 87% of students support the new mascot. Marshall student Douglas Upton spoke positively about these changes, saying, “The construction cranes make it so easy for me to be able to find my way back to campus. Whenever anyone is driving me home, all I have to do is tell them to follow the cranes. If you hit the crane, you’ve gone too far, but you might have a shot at free tuition!”
Students have also said that keeping the construction cranes on campus has increased their productivity. “Since the constant movement and loud sounds coming from the cranes keeps me up at night, I never get any sleep! This allows me to pull all-nighters on a regular basis and get so much more studying done,” said one undergraduate student. “The noises drown out my thoughts of impending academic doom as a STEM major, too! My insomnia may be chronic, but the ASMR of cranes dumping dirt piles everywhere is iconic.”
HDH has worked diligently to ensure that all dorms and housing facilities face these construction cranes. “Now we can guarantee every student’s housing is ideal — a view of cranes obstructing all possible natural light and literally everything else. It’s truly the greatest investment of student housing fees we could pull off,” said HDH Director Howie Zing.
Despite the university’s positive outlook, some have expressed dissenting opinions on the changes. One student was particularly negative about the “mascot-ification” of these cranes, stating, “I came to this university to pose with the iconic King Triton and take full advantage of this university’s prime beachfront location. King Triton is my ultimate idol, like, that dude is ripped! This crane is the opposite of all that. How can I see the beachfront with a crane blocking my view? Reforming our campus values based on some random construction object just isn’t the vibe, y’know?”
Despite this outcry against the new mascot, this change has brought a record amount of school pride. Attendance at sports games and university events has skyrocketed, with attendees lining up for a shot to meet the new crane mascot. The university has introduced a new initiative where attendees can vote on a name; frontrunners include Craneward the Craniac, Charles C. Crane, and Craney McCrane Face.
