Local Gamer Tragically Latches on to Cool Character in Elden Ring

Written by: Andrew Sitko

“I don’t know why my friends are so worried about him getting kilned. He is a pot,” Cano noted.
Photo by Sharon Roth

Lilith Cano, a 23-year-old trans woman playing Elden Ring , has recently latched onto a cauldron named Alexander. Her friends report that she cannot stop raving about “how cute the little pot man is,” and “how noble his ceramic soul is.” When she further expressed her desire to bond with this “ceramic sweetheart,” her friend group admitted their difficulty in conveying to her the high likelihood that Alexander the Cauldron will perish soon after his meeting with Cano.

Alice Montag, a close friend of Cano, stated, “Lilith just started raving about how cute this little pot guy in Elden Ring is, and how he has a remarkably macho persona for such a weak little guy. She loves to talk about how noble he is and how his quest is so brave. She keeps talking about defeating the final boss with him like you can do with Solaire … and I just don’t know how to break it to her that the little pot guy will be shattered to pieces a minute after you complete his final quest. Like, she’s playing Elden Ring. What did she expect?”

James “Shag” Wojcik, another friend in the group, who has requested to go by “Shag,” expanded, “I tried really hard to push the idea to Lilith that maybe Alexander doesn’t get off so well in a story written by Hidetaka Miyazaki and George R. R. Martin. I was just bringing up names from other Souls games and Game of Thrones to try and make her realize. Whenever she would bring up Alexander, I would be like, “oh yeah, his character type reminds me of Big Hat Logan, or Ned Stark, or the pyromancer, or Daenerys Targaryen, or Siegmeyer, or Siegmund, or … ” Wojcik then wandered off before continuing, “Hey, you’re going to say that I go by Shag, right? ’Cause that’s really my name. I’m legally changing it soon! Shag is a very normal name; it’s like a gender neutral Shaggy. No, not shag like sex, shag like Shaggy! Got it?”

One friend, Sarah Rowe, had no concerns at all for Cano and Alexander. Rowe explained, “I don’t know why everyone is so upset with Lilith liking Alexander. I never got into those Dark Souls games, and honestly they seem like a lot of work for what is probably a really linear story with unmemorable characters and stupid gimmicks. I’m sure Alexander is a fine character and is going to become Lilith’s favorite follower, and they’ll be just as inseparable as me and Veronica in Fallout: New Vegas. Dark Souls tries to market itself on being all dark and foreboding, but you are literally playing as a survivor in a nuclear fallout scenario, just like in Fallout: New Vegas. Nothing gets darker and drearier than that, so why bother playing a lesser version? No sane person would continue to play a game with fun and enjoyable characters that just get picked off randomly, right?

Cano’s friend group ultimately decided to buy all of her comfort foods and arrange a movie night for when “Alexander gets shattered and Lilith’s heart follows suit.” Cano ultimately said, “I really don’t understand if my friends are trying to allude to something whenever I mention Alexander. Every time I bring him up, it gets all quiet and weird. Maybe they just don’t like him? It really doesn’t matter anyway; I’ve found another truly adorable character! I can’t wait to fight the final boss with my best friends in tow!”

Managing Editor at The MQ

Andrew Sitko was recently arrested by the comedy police and charged for Possession of Killer Jokes. This is their second offense following a Grand Larceny charge from January 27th, 2003.

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