November 1, 2023 Read it and weep profusely. Volume XXX Issue II

Andrew Sitko

Andrew Sitko was recently arrested by the comedy police and charged for Possession of Killer Jokes. This is their second offense following a Grand Larceny charge from January 27th, 2003.

ArticlesCampusNews

Study Finds New Sixth College Students Don’t Know How Good They Have It

Written by: Andrew Sitko

One spectator commented, “Wow, this feels like the third installment in a trilogy. I wonder if I could go onto TheMQ.org and find the prequels.”Photo by …

Briefs

“Zoboomafoo” Reboot Casts Jerma as Iconic Lemur

Written by: Andrew Sitko

“Zoboomafoo” Reboot Casts Jerma as Iconic Lemur The children’s classic Zoboomafoo by the Kratt brothers will be rebooted after its original reboot was canceled due to …

ArticlesEditorialOpinion

The Card Readers on Vending Machines Eroded My Trust in Our System

Written by: Andrew Sitko

It’s 2003, and you’re sitting in the lounge of an office building that looks as if the ’90s was swallowed, trapped, and then died here. Your …

ArticlesBon AppétitEditorialOpinionSpecial Issue

Around the World with Cristopher Gardner: Cajun Cuisine

Written by: Andrew Sitko

Once again, I have been sent to travel to find the most peculiar foods and rate them for the post. This mission has led me to …

ArticlesLocalNews

Local Gamer Tragically Latches on to Cool Character in Elden Ring

Written by: Andrew Sitko

“I don’t know why my friends are so worried about him getting kilned. He is a pot,” Cano noted.Photo by Sharon Roth Lilith Cano, a 23-year-old …

Briefs

Bean Bag Shipments to Russia Halted in Support of Ukraine

Written by: Andrew Sitko

Following the Russian Army’s full-scale invasion of Ukraine, Mr. Charles Dawkins, CEO of the furniture company Crockery Farm, has announced that bean bag chairs will no …

Briefs

Paramount Halo TV Show to Include Intern OCs

Written by: Andrew Sitko

Paramount Halo TV Show to Include Intern OCS The first trailer for the Halo Paramount TV series released on January 29th to fans across the globe …

EditorialOpinion

I Only Make the Class Discords Because Everyone Else Has a God Complex and That’s Why You Should Thank Me

Written by: Andrew Sitko

By J. H. SavyeurShepard of the Flock Have you ever been in a lecture and you see that Discord link plunged into chat in the first …

ArticlesCampusNews

Wastewater Detection Systems Find Baby in Sewers After 2018 Masturbation-in-Shower Epidemic

Written by: Andrew Sitko

“You think I’m gonna support these children?” asked Khosla, “I don’t even support these students.”Photo by Jack Yang On November 17th at 5:36 p.m., UCSD Wastewater Detection’s …

Briefs

Struggling Grocery Chain Adds Battle Pass to Generate Revenue

Written by: Andrew Sitko

Struggling Grocery Chain Adds Battle Pass to Generate Revenue Big Jim’s Local Grocery has been hit hard by the pandemic, and struggled to pick itself up …