Shepard of the Flock
Have you ever been in a lecture and you see that Discord link plunged into chat in the first three seconds of class? You flock to it, like a lost lamb yearning for comfort and warmth. You get there, you click the link, and lo and behold, one of the other lambs has made himself king, wielding the power of the gods, forcing you to grovel and beg for more, always fearing the short leash of his temper. The computer geek with his first grip on real power, power that had been always out of his clutches and heralded by those who basked in normalcy. Do I need to go on?
No longer should you shower a false god with praise for adding color-coded, selfapplicable roles for college or major. No more should you fear being chastised for posting a funny picture about the topic of today’s presentation in a non-meme channel.
Why? Because I am in your class, and I made the server an entire hour before in preparation. I added the bots ahead of time, and made sure to mercifully select the options that don’t unnecessarily spam the masses. I created a general channel and a homework help channel, crafted to actually give you resources. I’ll be there for you. I’ll be your saving grace, your guiding light, in a quarter of darkness and uncertainty.
I selflessly give and give to you. I want you to succeed. I care for my flock of helpless children who know not of the dangers of the Discord apparatus.
And I do this all and ask nothing in return. Unlike the cruel overlords in other servers, I will never brandish a cudgel. I only spread love and support. Maybe there are one or two small things, just to keep everything civil.
I’ll ask for appropriate discourse in the correct channels, I’ll gently beg for a quick “Thank you” here and there to remind myself that I am appreciated for the gifts I bestow from my humble self, and please, if you are DM’d by me, respond. Just respond! I’m not being creepy. Just because I only message the girls that have their cameras on does not mean I want to date ALL of them. We need kindness and compassion during this pandemic.
Imagine if you had made the perfect place for the girl you idolized to study. Imagine you simply DM’d her to ask how she felt, and if there was anything you could do for her, and you would always be there, and that she looked great today in lecture and that she didn’t even have to wear all that makeup because she has a naturally beautiful face, I can tell, and then she just replied with “Thanks” or never even responded at all? Wouldn’t you get mad? Wouldn’t you want to punish an ungrateful child? You saved her from the creeps of the internet, you placed her in a safe little cage, you protected her, and what does she do? She scorns you. Doesn’t she realize you have all the power? You could ban her from the public Discord too. And who would know? It’s all anonymous.
There are times that every shepherd learns why he is not the same as a lamb –– a lamb cannot defend itself from the wolves that prey outside the fence. The shepherd stands to guard his holy flock. Is the shepherd chastised by the town when he asks the lambs for some payment for his protection and watch?
Sometimes it takes a god to rip apart a cruel heaven.
Andrew Sitko was recently arrested by the comedy police and charged for Possession of Killer Jokes. This is their second offense following a Grand Larceny charge from January 27th, 2003.
