Volume 28 Issue 4

Briefs

Paramount Halo TV Show to Include Intern OCs

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Paramount Halo TV Show to Include Intern OCS The first trailer for the Halo Paramount TV series released on January 29th to fans across the globe …

ArticlesNewsTech

Photoshop Object Select Stops Identifying Women, Claims They Are Not Objects

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“Good thing I still have MS Paint on my computer,” said Dugnutt. “Microsoft doesn’t give a shit about objectifying women.”Photo By Sharon Roth Recently, Adobe has …

ArticlesNewsPolitics

CDC Recommends Hiding Vaccines Under Mashed Potatoes to Get Anti-Vaxxers to Take Their Medicine

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“The worst part wasn’t the vaccine — it was the fact that the Dino Nuggets were touching the mac ‘n’ cheese,” complained Hetfield.Photo by Robin Brewin In …

Briefs

Candy Hearts to Contain More Specific Declarations of Love

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“This Valentine’s Day, we’re trying to get a leg up on the competition, nonsexually,” stated Paula Helvetica, head of Marketing at Sweetheart’s Candies. “Studies show that …

ArticlesCampusNews

Computing Major Still In Denial

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“Goodbye, World!” printed Stunkens.Photo by Julia Wong To the confusion of many, Lorey Stunkens, a second-year, allegedly refuses to acknowledge that she is majoring in Computer Science. …

Briefs

Damning Photos Surface of Tucker Carlson With the Green M&M

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A few days ago, an anonymous user posted photos of famed Fox News host Tucker Carlson leaving a Motel 6 with the Green M&M. Immediately, the …

ArticlesCampusNews

Man Claims Covid-19 Created to Annoy Him Personally

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“I didn’t think the deep state or my grades could sink so low,” said Klein.Photo by Maria Dhilla Jake Klein, a sophomore in Seventh College, spends most …

Center SpreadFeatures

A Glimpse into the MQ in the Year 3022

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Today, we time-traveled to UC San Diego in the year 3022. After going for a slime in the goop car and trying out the new “simulated death” machine, we stopped by the new MQ Office…

Back PageFeatures

The MQ Goes on a Quest

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After being cooped up inside on our computers for way too long, we decided to embark on a journey just to feel some sort of exhilaration…

ArticlesNews

James Webb Space Telescope Finds Tragedy in Outer Space

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“I don’t care what happens to that planet,” admitted one middle-tier manager. “I just want to get stellar performance reviews.”Photo by Connor Betterly Following the successful …