“Goodbye, World!” printed Stunkens.
Photo by Julia Wong
To the confusion of many, Lorey Stunkens, a second-year, allegedly refuses to acknowledge that she is majoring in Computer Science. “Ew, no,” said Stunkens when asked. “I’m a Psychology major with a specialization in Social Psychology.” According to her friends and roommates, however, “Everyone already knows the truth.”
When asked about herself, she avoided the topic of her course of study; Stunkens introduced herself as an “empath with an artful soul.” She then logged into her Linux laptop to pull up a picture of a stack of poetry books next to a heap of unsent love letters on her nightstand. Faintly visible over the image was: “iStock by Getty Images™.”
“I watched Spiderman last week and cried, like, 1000101 times,” she said, looking away from her monitor to gaze profoundly into the distance. “Sometimes I think I’m too emotional.” Transcription of the particular noise emitted by Stunkens to convey the number of times she had cried has proven impossible, but it can be crudely described as that of server fans grating against obstructing wires.
Stunkens described “weeping and rolling around to soulmate media without even thinking about what kind of search algorithm could find me a soulmate,” and, “making art on MS Paint only using colors that cause eyestrain and definitely aren’t hex values with the powers of two I feel compelled to use” as two of her favorite pastimes. Later, when describing her daily routine, Stunkens emphasized multiple times that she showers every morning.
“I may code — on occasion — but I don’t run on code.” Lorey stated. “Even if I did, the code would be abstracted to such a deep level that you’d probably never understand the complex inner implementations. And no, I don’t like anime.”
The following week, Lorey Stunkens was reported missing from several of her introductory computer science courses. After a thorough investigation using a linear search algorithm devised by one of her peers, she was found hiding in a cardboard box outside her dorm room.
Onlookers are said to have heard whispers of “dear god” and “this can’t be me” coming from the box. When asked what had happened, Stunkens declined to comment because she was “out of forward slashes.”
“We missed the bus on the way back from Shaka Java,” said a friend of Lorey’s who’d witnessed the incident, “and she said, and I quote, ‘don’t worry, another instance of the bus will be coming soon.’ I got stuck in a laugh loop for five straight minutes as she fled in a panic. Where is she, by the way?”
Lorey was last found spinning in a chair in the CSE dungeon muttering something about recursion. She was once again safely returned to her dorm where she promised she would reach out to CAPS “for a proper debugging.” According to her roommates, she now takes multiple showers an hour.
17 shots no 38
