December 6, 2023 Time traveling since 2088. Volume XXX Issue III

Written by: Jacob King

A few days ago, an anonymous user posted photos of famed Fox News host Tucker Carlson leaving a Motel 6 with the Green M&M. Immediately, the internet was flooded with jokes and speculation about the alt-right news host and the humanized piece of candy.

Carlson took on these rumors in his show last night. “The liberal media will have you believe that something preservative and perverted was going on with me and Ms. Green M&M,” said Carlson. “They are lying, wilfully. I was only doing what any good American should be doing; fighting for our freedom. The left wants to get rid of everything that makes America great. They believe that all food mascots should be depressed and wear stupid shoes that don’t compliment their amazing figure. That’s not the America I want to live in. That’s not the America I want for my children. I believe in freedom and justice; the beliefs our Founding Fathers built this country upon. And let me ask you, what is more American than sexy candy mascots? The American people won’t let the left get away with the destruction of core American values. A lot of people are saying this.”

When Green M&M was questioned on the nature of her relationship to Carlson she admitted, “Yeah, I hit that.”

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