“The worst part wasn’t the vaccine — it was the fact that the Dino Nuggets were touching the mac ‘n’ cheese,” complained Hetfield.
Photo by Robin Brewin
In a media statement released via a chain email on February 4th at 2:47 a.m., the Center for Disease Control endorsed new tactics for increasing COVID-19 vaccination status among adults who have thus far declined vaccination. Under the new directions for vaccine distribution, nurses will attempt to disguise the vaccine and distract patients with a homecooked meal.
With COVID-19 cases skyrocketing across the US due to the Omicron variant, doctors have expressed concerns over vaccination rates. Some, to the surprise of leading anti-vax scientists and their research teams/Facebook groups, are suggesting the possibility that unvaccinated individuals “might somehow be contributing to the continuation of the pandemic.” The CDC’s statement indicates some agreement with these doctors, saying, “We’re doing our best to put an end to this mess, and we would’ve gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you meddling anti-vaxxers. Therefore, we have been devising a plan to ‘boost’ — get it? — vaccination rates.”
“We’ve struggled with convincing anti-vaxxers to get vaccinated for a long time,” reads the statement, “but now we think we’ve found the solution. Studying the behavior of anti-vaxxers has yielded data indicating remarkable similarities between them and toddlers. These findings suggest that the same tactics used to feed toddlers vegetables should apply to anti-vaxxers and vaccines.”
The statement continued with an extremely detailed outline of the plan, instructing that hospitals and doctors’ offices around the nation prepare full meals for patients without a COVID vaccination record. The meals would include Kraft™ Macaroni & Cheese, Dino Nuggets, and mashed potatoes. Nurses are to, under the mashed potatoes, place prepared COVID vaccines, explaining that “anti-vaxxers, distracted by their yummy snack, will take the vaccine in their cute, chubby, little hands and inject it directly into their veins, exactly like they would with the delicious mashed potatoes they’ve mistaken it for.” The CDC has not disclosed the purpose of the Macaroni & Cheese and Dino Nuggets, but has made assurances that “they too are necessary parts of this bold new strategy,” and “most definitely not a paid promotion.”
Despite the detailed plan and research to back it, anti-vaxxers have pushed back against the statement. “No! I don’ wanna eat yucky mashed potatoes! No no no no no!” said unlicensed bazooka salesman Lars Hetfield before breaking down in tears and wailing incoherently. Jamie Ulrich, essential oils marketer and “Momfluencer” to her daughters Heighleigh, Hadleigh, and Holleigh, also spoke out, saying, “I 👁️ doubt they use all-natural🌿locally sourced 🏘️ non-GMO 🙅♀️☠️ dino-nuggies 🍗 picked straight from the vine 🌱. If it isn’t 100% natural 🌿, it’s filled with toxins ☠️, so no 👎, I’m not gonna eat 🍴 the complimentary meal 🍗 thank 👏 you 👏 very 👏 much 👏. My body my choice 💅😘”
Rumors have since begun to emerge that the CDC is formulating a response to those who oppose their recent plan. Some sources say that the CDC has begun researching the efficacy of various other methods to encourage vaccination, including threatening to ground anti-vaxxers and preceding the injection by saying, “Here comes the airplane!”