James Webb Space Telescope Finds Tragedy in Outer Space

Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

“I don’t care what happens to that planet,” admitted one middle-tier manager. “I just want to get stellar performance reviews.”
Photo by Connor Betterly

Following the successful launch of the James Webb Space Telescope, scientists at NASA found evidence of alien life while taking a series of photographs designed to help calibrate the telescope. This shocking revelation prompted NASA to take a series of more focused photographs, aimed at studying our first known neighbors in the Milky Way, sparking debate on how to best reach out to them. Experts in the field are divided on our next steps, with suggestions ranging from tin foil hats to sending our good thoughts via crop circles.

NASA’s second round of images revealed unexpected truths about the aliens which angered many. Environmentalist Shreda Runberg explained, “It is disturbing what they are doing to their planet, so callously destroying their environment, especially the deforestation. It calls into question whether or not the aliens deserve a planet.”

Environmentalists are not the only people to feel this way; oil lobbyist Bern Dearth announced his intentions to launch an expedition to the planet, saying,“The aliens aren’t using their planet well enough; they have so much oil and natural gas that they’re not burning. I’m launching a rocket to their planet to teach them how to better use their resources.”

Although their intentions differ, Runberg will join Dearth on his rocket to save resources. However, manned rockets are not the only things proposed to be launched, as new images have terrified the world. While taking a routine photograph of the planet, NASA scientist Sho Kandaw discovered a frightening anomaly, saying, “When I first saw the images, I could not believe my eyes. The aliens were building rockets, and the rockets were aimed at us! After confirming the results were not a mistake, I could only curl up in a ball under my desk and try to keep my pants dry.”

After these images were released to the public, panic and mass hysteria swept the Earth. Cathy Bates, a survivalist, developed a cult following, preaching ideals that quickly caught the attention of world leaders. Bates, in a speech to the United Nations, said, “The aliens building rockets can only mean one thing: they have declared war. I am calling on all countries of our planet to unite and wage war on these savages.”

Following Bates’ fiery speech at the UN, countries across the world started converting their nuclear arsenals into the first interplanetary missiles. In the following week, any progress made on the Earth was matched by the aliens. Bates called for all resources to be committed to the project, saying, “Whoever launches their missiles first, us or that alien scum, will win this war. We must do anything to ensure the survival of the superior species, humanity. If we unite, we will prevail.”

The launch successfully took place September second, after costing the planet an estimated eight trillion dollars and many months of hard work. However, images from the James Webb Space Telescope once again brought bad news, as the aliens launched at the same time as the Earth. Predictions of doom and despair threw the Earth into chaos, with nation’s crumbling and cults rapidly overtaking religion.

The disintegration of humanity was stopped on January 14, after an intern at NASA noticed that the James Webb Space Telescope had been aimed at the Earth for the entire crisis. The loss of life worldwide, as well as the destabilizing effects of the fiasco have all led to NASA being shut down, with calls for the US government to follow in its footsteps.

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