November 1, 2023 Read it and weep profusely. Volume XXX Issue II

Alex Riensch-Goldstein


Local Man Makes New Year’s Resolution to Become Worse in Every Way Possible

Written by: Alex Riensch-Goldstein

“I won’t stop until I’ve kicked 101 dalmatians,” vowed Fleming.Photo by Sophie Pubb At the start of every year, many Americans resolve to improve themselves in …

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I Think I’ll Be a Witch for Halloween This Year vs. Thou Art a Wretched Sinner, Utterly Unworthy of God’s Love

Written by: Alex Riensch-Goldstein

Point: I Think I’ll Be a Witch for Halloween This Year I’m not sure. I think it could be fun. I have a lot of ideas. …


Title of Khosla’s Leaked 2022 Commencement Address: “Good Luck LMAO”

Written by: Alex Riensch-Goldstein

“I was really worried and uncertain for my future,” began one student. “But after reading this speech, I’m reassured that I’m definitely screwed.”Photo by Maria Dhilla …

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Is it Ever Okay – Beach

Written by: Alex Riensch-Goldstein

Is it wrong to shoot a man on the beach because the sun was in your eyes and your mother is dead?— MALIBU MERSAULT In cooking, …


Man Claims Covid-19 Created to Annoy Him Personally

Written by: Alex Riensch-Goldstein

“I didn’t think the deep state or my grades could sink so low,” said Klein.Photo by Maria Dhilla Jake Klein, a sophomore in Seventh College, spends most …

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Hark! Welcometh Back to Mine ThouTube Channel

Written by: Bartholomew “Thou Shalt Like and Subscribe” Goodman, Alex Riensch-Goldstein and Sharon Roth

Hark! Welcometh back to mine ThouTube channel. Maketh sure to like, comment, and tell thy bellkeep to ring the bell in the towne square so thou …


1,000 Dead in the War on Christmas

Written by: Alex Riensch-Goldstein

By Xander Goldman Proud American It’s no secret that life is getting tougher for conservative, Christian, patriotic Americans like me. Still, it’s a tough pill to …


UCSD Announces “Bold, Firm” Plan to Decarbonize “by the Time the Earth is Swallowed by the Sun”

Written by: Alex Riensch-Goldstein

“Green energy? Sorry, I don’t see color,” claimed Khosla.Photo by Sharon Roth Following years of pressure by campus climate activists, UCSD admin declared their intention to “fully …