December 6, 2023 Time traveling since 2088. Volume XXX Issue III

ArticlesEditorialOnline Exclusive ArticlesOnline ExclusivesOpinion

Hark! Welcometh Back to Mine ThouTube Channel

Hark! Welcometh back to mine ThouTube channel. Maketh sure to like, comment, and tell thy bellkeep to ring the bell in the towne square so thou mayest be notified of mine humble precepts posthaste. 

As it is nigh to the most joyful of Thanksgiving –– the feast in which us good pilgrims celebrate our deliverance from sinful want and wickedness –– I should be good in all my four humors, ruminating upon my good fortune over a cask of cider and a cornucopia filled with figs, dates, plums, grains, oats, and other glad tidings. However, ‘tis not so! For after Thanksgiving comes the vile, damnable occasion known as CHRISTMAS! Commemorated by false Christians as the date of the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ, littlest lamb of God, it is in actuality a licentious Pagan Satanic festival, of whose participants will most surely be cast into the fires of Hell. 

As is well known by ev’ry God-fearing man who hath read his Bible with skill and attentiveness, the gospels do not fix a date for the birth of Jesus. Rather, ‘twas the Roman Catholic Church, the great perverter and maligner of true Christian virtue, which contrived to designate the 25th of December as the birthdate of our Savior. This was done to appease those loathsome Pagans, Witches, Satanists, and other low orders of folk by creating a new “Christian” holiday which fell close to the existing Pagan winter solstice festivals –– the depraved Roman holiday Saturnalia. 

Furthermore, ev’ry God-fearing man in these colonies doth know that the Holy Bible quods no un-gentil “Holidays,” besides the Sabbath. Moveover, this so-called “Santa Claus” is hardly a kyndely spirit. He breaketh into thine house, akin to a gremlin! And he circleth the globe in one night? Most surely he is a witch, using the powers of Satan and his legions to circumnavigate the globe at such unholy speeds! True godly men travel at a maximum speed of one hundred furlongs per fortnight using a horse and carriage, as do we in the colony of Massachusetts Bay. 

I denounce the wicked practices of these Christmas-celebrators, who alloweth Satan to make his roost in a godly community! I see the parcels which are delivered unto their doorsteps by the Amazonian couriers! Was there a new “X-box” waiting for myself and my brethren when we arrived on the shores of America on the good ship Mayflower? Nay! It was the light of Christ which impelled us, not the promise of false idols such as “intelligent watches” and “stationary bicycle machinations!” Why dost thou not “exercise” thy legs and get thyself to the local church, where thou canst repent for thy sins! Egad! 

And so I cry out to the Lord, “cancel” those folk who invite Beelzebub into their home and bray out Christ’s false birth! Let this be a warning to ye all! 

If this video hath brought ye enjoyment, grant it a like, and send your scribe to my soapbox for more videos like this. God Be W Ye!

Graphics Editor at The MQ

Sharon was “born” in 1801. She inspired the Archie Comics, which later inspired the hit TV show Riverdale.

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