1,000 Dead in the War on Christmas

Written by: Alex Riensch-Goldstein

By Xander Goldman
Proud American

It’s no secret that life is getting tougher for conservative, Christian, patriotic Americans like me. Still, it’s a tough pill to swallow –– just like the benzodiazepines that my mother used to take every morning before driving me to school. As the Christmas season is almost upon us, the persecution has escalated to even more severe levels. In the last three weeks, the liberal, socialist War on Christmas has claimed more than 1,000 lives as tensions have escalated across the country. Hundreds of people have already lost their lives to cancel culture, Twitter pile-ons, air strikes, and Hallmark cards which say “Happy Holidays” instead of the godly “Merry Christmas” on them.

The scale of the persecution is just immense. The War on Christmas has been escalating in this country for some time, but even I was surprised to see how truly bloody this year has been. I am calling on President Biden to stop this liberal cancel culture immediately. I know he reads this paper, so he better listen to me!

The crimes perpetrated against God-fearing, conservative Americans during the War on Christmas will live in infamy for all time. But you won’t hear about them from the Liberal Media — the true, deplorable stories of these atrocities are only available from reputable sources. These sources include my Aunt Patricia’s Facebook group, which was originally formed to share a clickbait article called “How to Cure Debilitating Hemorrhoids with One Weird Trick.” The acts of barbarism against those of us who celebrate Christmas, perpetrated by the left-wing wokesters, are worth recounting here. The newly-created FBI (Femboy Bureau of Investigation) has conducted raids across the country, having been ordered by President Biden to seize all Christmas trees, wreaths, and wrapping paper. Biden signed an executive order last month making possession of eggnog a capital offense, and has ordered that Americans drink coronavirus vaccine juice instead. President Biden, who wishes to be referred to as His Grinchiness, has also devised a strategy to punish children who still celebrate Christmas in defiance of the federal government’s crackdown. Decoy mall Santas have been deployed across the country, who lure children to their laps and ask if they celebrate Christmas. If the child answers in the affirmative, they are packed into a box and disappeared into Hillary Clinton’s pizza parlor cannibal sex dungeon.

In addition to costing lives, the War on Christmas has also destroyed the lives of countless conservative Americans. My cousin Lucile, the manager of a Hobby Lobby in Abilene, Kansas, sent me a message on MySpace describing the grim spectacle following liberal cancel culture’s attack on her business: “We sold these little placards that said ‘IN THIS HOUSE WE SAY MERRY CHRISTMAS,’ in the same section as the livelaugh- love posters. I guess that was what we did ‘wrong.’ At 4:00 p.m. yesterday, President Biden deployed a Predator drone strike against our store in retaliation for our Christian merchandise. There is nothing left. There is nothing left … ”

Not even Republican lawmakers are safe from the violent left-wing crackdown. “Antifa is outside my house,” Senator Mike Crapo (R-ID) told me: “They say they want figgy pudding, and they won’t go until they get some. Oh my god.” Christians and conservatives are being persecuted in this country because of our sincere moral beliefs. The left is tyrannical and is obsessed with telling people what to do. “You can’t say Merry Christmas!” What’s next — you’re going to tell me I have to bake gingerbread “womxn” instead of gingerbread men? What gives you the right to control my life? Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go campaign for a complete ban on abortion.

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