“I was really worried and uncertain for my future,” began one student. “But after reading this speech, I’m reassured that I’m definitely screwed.”
Photo by Maria Dhilla
This past Tuesday, plans for Chancellor Pradeep Khosla’s 2022 commencement speech were leaked by an anonymous informant within the chancellor’s office. Philip Scheidemann, UCSD Vice Chancellor for Damage Control, has called the incident “the second biggest leak this year, or maybe the third, if we’re counting my bladder.”
In the draft speech, Khosla lays out his summary of the academic year and his view on where the graduating class will be headed in the years to come. The title of the address, repeated at seemingly random intervals throughout the speech, is “Good Luck, LMAO.”
“Look at this world. Look at it!” Khosla says at the beginning of the speech. “War, plagues, fires, hurricanes spewing forth from the rising seas like the remnants of a Taco Bell double carnitas Doritos Locos burrito spewing forth from my … well, nevermind.”
“I’ll be fine.” Khosla continues. “This shithole pays me $600,000 a year, only adding to my hard-fought winnings from many years in the computer industry. Only a man of great wealth and stature could afford this opulent mustache. I’m also paying Elon Musk to set me up with a dope space pad when this shitty planet becomes uninhabitable. I’m gonna call it ‘PraDeep Space Nine.’ How ‘bout that, huh? How ‘bout it?”
The draft speech is approximately 35,000 words long, which would take roughly four hours to recite at a normal speaking pace. It includes several digressions, including a 7,000-word tract of experimental free verse and a full transcription of French philosopher Georges Bataille’s 1927 classic The Solar Anus. The speech is peppered with quotations from various figures, some of which occur with little to no explanation and are rendered in languages besides English. In addition to borrowing from T.S. Eliot, XXXTentacion, Benito Mussolini, Michel de Montaigne, Ted Kacynzski, Dante Alighieri, and Waluigi, the chancellor quotes his supposed alterego at length, “Khradeep Posla,” who is mostly concerned with moon landing denialism and the historical evolution of McDonald’s Filet-o-Fish recipe. “Woe unto you who constructed this Tower of Babel!” Khosla declares towards the end of the speech. “This university is an affront to God. Any attempt to claim ultimate knowledge for humanity is tantamount to blasphemy. Spotlight, uh, moonlight, uh!”
“Chancellor Khosla has always brought a blunt leadership style to our university. That is one of the things that makes him a successful chancellor,” Vice Chancellor Scheidemann said of the address. “If he believes that this world is a degenerating shithole and today’s youth have very grim prospects, he is going to say so. I have always admired the man’s honesty.”
In the leaked draft, Khosla closes his commencement address by saying, “Cock! The planet is dying and society is in a state of terminal decay! Everything is too expensive and every job pays like shit! Every shithole apartment that reeks like goblin’s balls costs like three thousand dollars a month or something! Even Santa Claus and his weird elf cult are getting evicted. You know why? Because the ice is melting! This godforsaken state sets on fire, like, every five minutes! Woe unto thee! I pray for the imminent return of the feathered serpent and the shaking of the foundations of heaven itself!”
“Pradeep has a way of expressing very plainly what’s in all our heads,” Scheidemann concluded. “You know, I’ve been anticipating the imminent return of the feathered serpent for a while myself.”
