Written by: Aniela Drumonde

“This Valentine’s Day, we’re trying to get a leg up on the competition, nonsexually,” stated Paula Helvetica, head of Marketing at Sweetheart’s Candies. “Studies show that hyperspecificity is in right now. Regular lovey-dovey phrases like “Be Mine” or “XOXO” just aren’t enough in this emotionally oversaturated market.”

Helvetica went on to explain, “It’s passé to say that you love someone, nowadays. All people care about now is weird shit like ‘I respect you,’ ‘I know your love language,’ and ‘I’ll actually listen when you talk about things that bother you, and will modify my behavior in accordance to your wants and needs, expecting the same in return.’ It’s horrible! That can’t fit on an embroidered heart pillow, let alone a candy heart!”

But many are reportedly excited about this change. “It’s so nice to see candy hearts diversifying –– you get kind of bored of seeing the same platitudes year after year,” said selfproclaimed “romantic” Juliet Kink. But when asked if she was planning on gifting these newly branded hearts to her girlfriend, Kink gave an immediate, “Absolutely not. I love my girlfriend. Those things taste horrible.”

EIC Elect at The MQ

Former Editor-in-Chief. Like an ouroboros, her jokes consume themselves until no one knows whether they were ever funny. But they are.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *