One spectator commented, “Wow, this feels like the third installment in a trilogy. I wonder if I could go onto TheMQ.org and find the prequels.”
Photo by Sharon Roth
A new study has found that Sixth students who enrolled after 2020 have “no idea how good they have it compared to literally everyone else who ever attended Sixth College.”
This study was conducted by Andrew Sitko one random Wednesday afternoon. “We can’t actually remember when it happened,” said Sitko, “but we asked each other about our first years here, and all the memories of Foodworx and Camp Snoopy came flooding back.” Sitko has recently delved into the now-corroded corridors of the long abandoned raccoon-themed Pirates of the Caribbean ride, reminiscing of the past. “New Sixers have no idea how good they have it,” said Sitko. “Have you ever been in that one building that’s a skyscraper? You can see everything, and it’s all new! We had black mold in our bathrooms, and you couldn’t even walk around to the other side of the dorms because they were excavating things on all sides.”
Sitko motioned up to the sinkhole above the ride, and then down towards the rusted, blood-splattered mech suit covered in racoon droppings. “It wasn’t all bad though. I remember biking around campus, crashing at my friend’s place, late nights at OVT, my first girlfriends, going to the gym everyday, almost getting hired by Microsoft, almost falling into a ‘chad’ phase, and going on trips with all those people I’ll never meet again. Too bad COVID never let the rest of this trilogy play out. I mean, there’s not many people left here to remember anyway.”
Sitko kicked a dislodged mechanical pirate raccoon head down the now-dry drop. “There’s no connection to this old place, y’know? They renamed it ‘The Village,’ but The Village was what is now Seventh, and Seventh was actually the old international housing. So they wouldn’t even understand that people lived here, shielding their ears about all the construction. I mean, where could I even have gone with it? Maybe, ‘Khosla Now Builds a Bigger Attraction in the Revelle Parking Lot?’ But who cares about that? It’s not in the way of anything.
“The only way that this trilogy works is if new Sixers stop having it so good, which proves the point that Sixers have it better than we did. Yeah, maybe their first two years of education was over Zoom, or their high school graduation was over Zoom, but I never really cared about my graduation because I had a way better time in college. But then they didn’t get that either, but I lost my last two years of college. Maybe the first two are more important, like, how are they going to make friends and break the barriers that I had to break? I was so young and confused, I didn’t even know what or who I was at that point.” Sitko whirled around the skeleton that was impaled by an asphalt stalactite hanging from the sinkhole above.
“Is this even funny, or is it just a sad excuse about never finishing the series that I was so into creating before everything in the world drastically changed forever?” Sitko pulled out their phone and played a video of Sixth activists in their “I <3 Sixth” shirts, holding a banner protesting before being run over by semi-trucks. “I mean, this is funny right? Like, that’s a hilarious premise,” motioning to the phone now erupting in screams.
Sitko picked up the steampunk megaphone that had dislodged from Grand Overseer Kholsa’s hand during his great escape after Jakubsin fell through the hole and was eaten alive by raccoons. Sitko spoke through it, creating a metallic and echoing chant through the musty, overgrown hallway. “Maybe it’s okay to admit that everyone was a little fucked up these last three years, and that it’s time to pass that torch.” The words echoed back and forth until they receded to nothingness. Sitko dropped the megaphone and walked into the dark corridor, blending into the void.
“Would be funny if the new theme park ride is in ERC though? Because they’re totally the worst college with all those GE’s.”
Andrew Sitko was recently arrested by the comedy police and charged for Possession of Killer Jokes. This is their second offense following a Grand Larceny charge from January 27th, 2003.
