Wastewater Detection Systems Find Baby in Sewers After 2018 Masturbation-in-Shower Epidemic

Written by: Andrew Sitko

“You think I’m gonna support these children?” asked Khosla, “I don’t even support these students.”
Photo by Jack Yang

On November 17th at 5:36 p.m., UCSD Wastewater Detection’s automated system sent out an unusual email detailing the discovery of “a large number of small, unidentified creatures playing in the poo water.” Soon after the email was sent out, the campus went into uproar when the creatures were identified.

Wendy Graham, a student studying in MOM during the event, reported, “No one really cared about the emails, because A: no one reads them anyway, and B: no one reads them anyway. However, everyone stopped dead in their tracks when they heard a baby crying under the quad. I saw a couple guys wrench off a manhole cover with a SPIN scooter and drop down inside. A crowd gathered around the hole, and 10 minutes later, the guys popped back out with a little baby in a towel. We were all so confused.”

The fire department arrived on scene at 5:47 p.m. to check the infant’s vitals, all of which cleared screening despite the child being found “between piles of human feces.” A paternity test was run on the baby, and using UCSD’s Student Genome Library it was found that second-year Aiden Kim was the father. Kim was tracked down in his dorm and escorted away by campus police for “child endangerment.” Before the police car drove off, however, a massive tremor ripped through the Muir Quad.

“That’s when all hell broke loose,” said Graham. “The ground split up, and the babies started tumbling out. Babies of all ages — from newborn to three years old — began to wobble, bobble, crawl, shimmy, or get dragged out of the sinkhole the tremor had created. The worst part was when all the babies started reaching for our nipples and begging for milk.” According to mobile phone footage, the sewagecovered children moaned several infantile epithets, from “dada” to “gaaaaaaaah.” The videos continued to show male students of all class standings fleeing as they were pursued by bands of children.

Kholsa released a press statement the same evening via Zoom webinar, in which he was seen gently bouncing a baby on a chest harness while issuing the following statement. “It has been brought to my attention that there is a baby boom happening in Muir. My team has notified me that a large influx of semen that has steadily flowed out of the dormitories through showers, toilets, and kitchen sinks has clogged the piping system and exploded into the sewer lines.” Khosla paused for a moment and turned to the child, musing “Hey hey little Pradeep Jr., look at the camera, look see! Hello! Good job!” Khosla then turned back to the camera, continuing: “Anyway, we do not know how these babies were made, but we do know that if you masturbated into a drain while residing in the dorms from 2018-2020, your offspring is spilling out of that sinkhole. UCSD is committed to the safety and well-being of its students and their offspring who were created on campus. Look, look at me! Can you smile? Say hiiiiiiiii baby!”

Students are currently clamoring for child support from the school as genetic tests suggest that the children have no mothers. One young, new father complained, “How the hell are we expected to raise children without mothers? Who’s supposed to cook, and clean, and take care of the baby while I go to Pike parties?” A lawyer from the newly created “Student-Fathers Fund” weighed in: “Since there’s no genetic evidence that any of these children have mothers, we’ve decided that it’s UCSD’s responsibility to either raise the children or pay child support.” UCSD has refused to budge, causing student-fathers to start picket lines circling around Price Center, pushing their children in strollers. Student leader Shivay Kaur led a chant with the student body: “UCSD! Cumply or die!” And “Don’t be a Scrooge, let us splooge!”

Managing Editor at The MQ

Andrew Sitko was recently arrested by the comedy police and charged for Possession of Killer Jokes. This is their second offense following a Grand Larceny charge from January 27th, 2003.

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