Struggling Grocery Chain Adds Battle Pass to Generate Revenue
Big Jim’s Local Grocery has been hit hard by the pandemic, and struggled to pick itself up while other chain groceries increased their profits. To combat this, Big Jim’s has announced that they are including a battle pass with each purchase over $10. Big Jim’s mascot, Teeny the Weeny, got on television and advertised, “Hey there porkers! Big Jim’s has included a battle pass! For just $10 you can unlock a bunch of rewards for just shopping at our stores!” The pass will include cosmetic items like different shopping cart decals for shopping carts, cartoonish noises that are made when pulling items off the shelf, and different skins for generic brands found around the store.
Teeny also revealed the leveling system for the pass: “You may be wondering how to level up in this pass to gain all these prizes! Well, all you need to do is buy more things from our store, submit customer reviews for our service, or ‘accidentally’ run over employees of the Vons across the street!” While the success of the plan hasn’t been fully realized yet, one happy customer reported it to be “better than Halo Infinite’s progression.”
Andrew Sitko was recently arrested by the comedy police and charged for Possession of Killer Jokes. This is their second offense following a Grand Larceny charge from January 27th, 2003.