November 1, 2023 Read it and weep profusely. Volume XXX Issue II



Cutting-Edge Computer Virus Sweeps Through Campus

Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

“This would be a beautiful sight if my essay wasn’t on that computer,” one student commented.Photo By Maria Dhilla On Thursday afternoon, the cybersecurity office at …


Local Flint Shortage Sparks Absolutely Nothing

Written by: George Nassar

“I was having a real tough time figuring out what to do without any flint,” said Susan Graves, “and then it struck me.”Photo By Julia Wong …


Joe Rogan Defends Controversial Interview with the Devil

Written by: Jacob King

After hearing a comment from Satan, Joe Rogan said, “Hey Jamie, can you pull a clip up of that guy burning in Hell?”Photo by Julia Wong …


Student with 300 Tabs Open Wonders Why Computer Is Slow

Written by: Aniela Drumonde

“It’s a little stuffy in here,” Milieu noted. “Let me open up a new window.”Photo by Maria Dhilla Fourth-year Ava Milieu has recently faced intense public …


April Fool! This Student Has Been Trying to Nurse a Dead Plant Back to Life for the Past Three Months

Written by: Theo Erickson

“It’s just hibernating,” insisted Nohope.Photo by Sharon Roth On March 3, second-year student Theresa Nohope realized her aloe plant had been dead for the last three …

Center SpreadFeatures

The MQ Plans a Spring Break Trip

Written by: The MQ

Back PageFeatures

The MQ Plans Their Day

Written by: The MQ


March Madness Turns into March Insanity

Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

“I got my final grade from my physics class,” said Riordan. “This is the first time a professor has cheered when I’ve gotten an F.”Photo by …


Student Studying Abroad in the Netherlands Accidentally Sent to the Nether

Written by: Isabelle Mckelvey

“You know, this isn’t the type of blaze I was expecting,” said Hero, dodging fireballs.Photo by Connor Betterly Before the events of last Tuesday, UCSD student …

ArticlesOpinionPoint - Counter Point

The End is Near! vs No, It’s Just Acid Reflux.

Written by: Elise Jonas-Delson

Point: The End is Near! Doctor! O Doctor! Heed my call, for I fear the end is near! On the ninety-second day of this annus horribilis …