Volume 28 Issue 5

ArticlesCampusNewsTech

Cutting-Edge Computer Virus Sweeps Through Campus

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“This would be a beautiful sight if my essay wasn’t on that computer,” one student commented.Photo By Maria Dhilla On Thursday afternoon, the cybersecurity office at …

ArticlesLocalNews

Local Flint Shortage Sparks Absolutely Nothing

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“I was having a real tough time figuring out what to do without any flint,” said Susan Graves, “and then it struck me.”Photo By Julia Wong …

ArticlesNewsPolitics

Joe Rogan Defends Controversial Interview with the Devil

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After hearing a comment from Satan, Joe Rogan said, “Hey Jamie, can you pull a clip up of that guy burning in Hell?”Photo by Julia Wong …

ArticlesCampusNews

Student with 300 Tabs Open Wonders Why Computer Is Slow

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“It’s a little stuffy in here,” Milieu noted. “Let me open up a new window.”Photo by Maria Dhilla Fourth-year Ava Milieu has recently faced intense public …

Center SpreadFeatures

The MQ Plans a Spring Break Trip

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Back PageFeatures

The MQ Plans Their Day

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ArticlesCampusNews

April Fool! This Student Has Been Trying to Nurse a Dead Plant Back to Life for the Past Three Months

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“It’s just hibernating,” insisted Nohope.Photo by Sharon Roth On March 3, second-year student Theresa Nohope realized her aloe plant had been dead for the last three …

ArticlesOpinionPoint - Counter Point

There’s No Ethical Consumption Under Capitalism vs. Hey, That’s My Lasagna!

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Point: There’s No Ethical Consumption Under Capitalism I’m sorry Jon, but suggesting that the social grievances brought on by our capitalist-dominated society can be reformed through …

Briefs

One Dead and Three Injured in Emotionally-Charged Car Ride

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“It was a bloodbath, emotionally speaking,” confided Orin Euphrate. “Technically no one died. It was more of a spiritual death than anything, with Constance being immediately …

Top 10

Top Ten Things We Learned Not to Talk About at Parties

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10. The improv routine that we’ve been practicing9. The types of animals we could beat in hand-to-hand combat8. Why a Hydro Flask is the perfect container …