Volume 28 Issue 5
Genentech Slated to Release Highly Anticipated “Human 2.0” Update
Next Thursday, the biotechnology giant Genentech is expected to release the “long-overdue” version 2.0 of Humanity. The update is said to contain many useful additions, alongside …
Mad Quibs – Barista Brawl
Mad Quibs – Barista Brawl
Self-Proclaimed “Main Character” Dies After Parachuteless Skydiving Attempt
Widespread panic was reported in a small suburb outside San Diego this weekend when a “flying, screaming man” fell out of the sky. Sources later confirmed …
The Crossword
The Crossword SOLUTION Across 1: Fancy seafood order, aphrodisiac 11: What your Southern friend says is that blinking thing in the sky 15: Not me 16: …
Ukraine Moves Country to the Middle of Russia
On Tuesday morning, Russian farmers were surprised by the sight of the nation of Ukraine in their backyards, after Ukraine’s populace picked up their entire country …
Crossword Answers (secret!!!)
Crossword Answers (secret!!!) Don’t tell a soul about these.
Student Creates Hobbit-Hole out of Dorm Room, Lists it on Airbnb
Mackenzie Richards, a third-year mechanical engineering major and business minor, has transformed her dorm room in Rita Atkinson Residences into a Lord of the Rings -inspired …
There’s No Ethical Consumption Under Capitalism vs. Hey, That’s My Lasagna!
Point: There’s No Ethical Consumption Under Capitalism I’m sorry Jon, but suggesting that the social grievances brought on by our capitalist-dominated society can be reformed through …
One Dead and Three Injured in Emotionally-Charged Car Ride
“It was a bloodbath, emotionally speaking,” confided Orin Euphrate. “Technically no one died. It was more of a spiritual death than anything, with Constance being immediately …
Top Ten Things We Learned Not to Talk About at Parties
10. The improv routine that we’ve been practicing9. The types of animals we could beat in hand-to-hand combat8. Why a Hydro Flask is the perfect container …
