Isabelle Mckelvey

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Man Who Has “Never Had COVID” Discovers Devastating News About His “Allergy Flare-up”

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“I finally figured out why none of his COVID tests came back positive. He takes the test tube liquid like a shot,” said Alex.Photo by James …

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AI-Generated Images to Replace All Art Ever by 2024

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“If I had to describe the type of art I’m making, I would say I’m in my RGB period,” said Hugh Mann.Photo by Julia Wong Last …

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Is it Ever Okay – Manslaughter

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What are the best snacks to bring to my child’s third-degree vehicular manslaughter court date?— HOMICIDAL HANK Whatever it is that you bring, make sure that …

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Student Studying Abroad in the Netherlands Accidentally Sent to the Nether

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“You know, this isn’t the type of blaze I was expecting,” said Hero, dodging fireballs.Photo by Connor Betterly Before the events of last Tuesday, UCSD student …

Briefs

Price Center’s TapEx Is Tired of Being Confused for Tampax –– Considers Rename

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Price Center’s TapEx Is Tired of Being Confused for Tampax –– Considers Rename Tapioca Express, the only boba shop on campus for decades, has recently mostly …

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Ben Platt Reveals His Secret to Staying Young

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“Up next, I’m auditioning for the role of Annie,” said Ben Platt.Photo by Sharon Roth Actor Benjamin Plattypus, more commonly known as Ben Platt, has recently been …

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Nintendo Replaces Mario Karts with Electric Vehicles to Reduce Carbon Footprint

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Photo by Sharon Roth Facing increasing climate change effects, the public has been placing pressure on large corporations to significantly reduce their greenhouse gas emissions. The largest …

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Cooking Mama Owes Me Sex

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I normally discourage the presence of female protagonists in video games because I believe they are not as strong nor as cool as men…

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Vending Machine Mixup Has COVID Tests Replaced With Dildos

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“Ask not what your university can dildo for you, ask what you can dildo to yourself,” posed Sterbater.Photo by Jack Yang Chaos erupted last Monday evening at …