Jerry Wu
Mattel Releases New Barbie,Makes Life in Plastic “Truly Fantastic”
“Mommy, I said I wanted a Cabbage Patch doll, not a garbage patch doll,” said one customer’s daughter.Photo by Amit Roth Mattel, Inc. has released a …
Plant Speech Decoded, Scientists Heard “More than They Came for”
A breakthrough study has discovered that there is more to plant life than germination and propagation. Lead scientist William Seed found that acoustically isolated plants periodically …
Manthropology
Heads up – this feature is from our special Cosmopolitan issue. As such, it may not come across as it was originally meant to in print. …
Count Ejacula Confirms New Line of Male-Enhancing Drugs
Coming to your preferred pornographic platform soon, Count Ejacula’s newest series of male enhancement drugs, including the infamous “VampiraMax Ultra Plus,” promises to “turn your droopy …
Neck to see you -_-
By Jerry Wu
“Pomp and Circumcision” To Be Played at UCSD Graduation Following Chancellor’s “Head Tax” Announcement
“What happens if you’re double majoring?” asked a concerned student.Photo by Jack Yang Faced with the mounting pushback against raising tuition, Chancellor Khosla has decided to temporarily …
UCSD Student Discovers Great Tits, Ornithologists Baffled
Buns hid his woodpecker at the sight of Great Tits.Photo by Sharon Roth Passing by a group of female students on his way to throw out the …
New Skin Cream Reveals Secret: Free-Range, Organically Produced Horse Semen
Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s Neighbelline.Photo by Maria Dhilla Coming to pharmacies near you is an anti-acne cream that claims to have an unprecedented efficacy …
Leaked Republican Plan Aims to “Drown the Liberal Coasts”
Leaked Republican Plan Aims to “Drown the Liberal Coasts” An anonymous source has recently revealed that a leaked Republican document detailed plans to accelerate global warming …
