Mattel Releases New Barbie,Makes Life in Plastic “Truly Fantastic”


Written by: Jerry Wu

“Mommy, I said I wanted a Cabbage Patch doll, not a garbage patch doll,” said one customer’s daughter.
Photo by Amit Roth

Mattel, Inc. has released a new line of microplastic Barbies amid rising concerns that the manufacturing processes behind their past success no longer align with the company’s pledge to a sustainable future. The campaign hinges upon utilizing novel material science technologies to mitigate and enhance the biodegradability and biocompatibility of microplastic byproducts of the dolls.

The flagship doll of the new product line, BioDegradable Small Molecule Barbie, or BDSM Barbie, has captured media attention with its signature catch phrase: “Please, keep your hands and feet inside the torture machine at all times.” Meanwhile, it has drawn the attention of the scientific community with its ability to degrade molecule by single molecule. “The secret is in the nano- and micropatterning,” detailed Exe Trude, Ph. D. “Patterned across the plastic body, clothes, and hair of the doll is a nanoscale pattern dictating single molecule fracture points nested within a larger hexagonal micropattern that confers the structural integrity of the doll. In such a way, the doll degrades slowly, producing fewer microplastics over time than other plastic items like water bottles. Further, it degrades in even smaller pieces, which diminishes the adverse effects and increases the natural degradation of microplastics.” “Nothing encapsulates the magic of Barbie more than playing with her for a week, then watching her body break apart
and decompose slowly!” said one customer.

“We truly outdid ourselves with this one. Is it possible for one toy to be an engineering feat, combat pollution, and address human suffering, all while also kindling love and hope?” the CEO of Mattel reflected in a press release. “Maybe, nope, and absolutely not!” said Reddit user u/K!NKL0RD420. “‘Maybe’ because that’s a lot of ‘scientific innovation’ spent just to still release plastic into the environment. ‘Nope’ because you are literally still making plastic runoff that can still easily integrate into our bloodstreams. And ‘absolutely not’ because BDSM Barbie’s small-molecule whip is far too small to deal a decent blow, and the gag and cuffs are way too weak to hold me back and get me off.”

The collection also includes the Nutrient Uptake and Drug Eluting Barbie, or NUDE Barbie, which “begrudgingly” came clothed after “many sparring matches” and “a unanimous veto” of CFO Gipetto Philington’s proposal, reported one Mattel insider.

“Instead of trying to beat the plastic game, why not join it!” said marketing director Misty Rust. “She’s gonna strip anyway! That is, when the clothes and later the dolls degrade, and the microplastics go into the trash, the sewers, the rivers, the rain, the fish, your mouth, your tongue, your shit — Uhhh … ”

The nutrient uptake technology hinges upon doping the plastic with metal cofactors that increase vitamin uptake, while the drug eluting tech involves conjugating Barbie’s plastic clothes and body with a molecule that has a chemotherapeutic effect. “We’re out here solving world hunger and cancer at the same time!” exclaimed @MattelHQ in an X post.

Upon release, NUDE Barbie came under immediate scrutiny due to the off-target effects and ethics of such a creation. One disgruntled customer critiqued, “I can’t have your microplastics in me. My body is a holy temple, and what comes out of me is my prayers to the Gods — not Mattel’s microplastics, drugs, or vitamins.”

Although the FDA and CDC have moved to withdraw the dolls, some fans have taken a culinary liking to them. Male podcasters on TikTok have taken to shredding NUDE Barbies over food. “You can really taste the extra vitamins. It’s kinda spicy too — that’s definitely the chemo — and that crunch there … that’s the feminism!” moaned Adam Blunt from ManDay Monday podcast. The top comments were, “thats what was I made for 😭😭😭” and “to be a woman is to be consumed.”

Web Editor at The MQ

Always the life of the party and a constant source of timely commentary and TikToks, Jerry is surely one to know in the MQ. He was recently made web editor last year and has done a great job since then revamping and updating our web presence as an org. If you’re ever bored or find yourself chilling in the MQ office, make sure to take a gander at the walls a play a little game of “Where’s Jerry?”
Hint: winner gets to drive the boat

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