Leaked Republican Plan Aims to “Drown the Liberal Coasts”
An anonymous source has recently revealed that a leaked Republican document detailed plans to accelerate global warming to “drown out all the damn liberal voters on the coasts.” Through an intercepted phone call, Senator Mitch McConnell was heard proposing a 20-year plan to significantly increase the rate of carbon emissions in the United States in order to melt the ice caps and raise sea levels by seven feet, thereby sinking the predominantly Democraticleaning coastal states like California and New York into the oceans. In the phone call, Senator McConnell was reportedly heard saying, “We’d finally take back control of the House and remove those Pelosi-lovers,” before laughing ominously.
Despite her party affiliation, Senator Elizabeth Warren was reportedly in favor of the plan by Mitch McConnell. She is heard in the recording saying, “Maybe if we sink the blue states, we could finally force all those young entitled urbanites in the swing states and make Ohio somewhat more tolerable again. If it doesn’t work, at least Florida is gone.”
Always the life of the party and a constant source of timely commentary and TikToks, Jerry is surely one to know in the MQ. He was recently made web editor last year and has done a great job since then revamping and updating our web presence as an org. If you’re ever bored or find yourself chilling in the MQ office, make sure to take a gander at the walls a play a little game of “Where’s Jerry?”
Hint: winner gets to drive the boat