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Heads up – this feature is from our special Cosmopolitan issue. As such, it may not come across as it was originally meant to in print. Click here to view the original PDF! (Desktop browser recommended.)

Catch a Stud, Not a Dud

Our guy guru, Jon Mann, shares his dating advice.

Tell If He’s Boyfriend Material at First Glance!

In this day and age, finding the right guy is harder than Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s sculpted chest! To make this easier, here’s a few green flags to help you identify boyfriend material with just one glance.

  • Take a peek at his arms — is he wearing a long-sleeved shirt? If so, he’s clearly got a warm, loving personality. Definitely boyfriend material!
  • Quickly swab a sample of his inner cheek and stick that bad boy under a microscope. Are those cells undergoing mitosis? If they are, he’s two excited to see you!
  • Gently palpate his radial or carotid artery. If you can find a pulse, it means he’s passionate and ready for love!

Be a Smash Instead of a Pass

Listen up, ladies! Figuring out what men want can be hard, but look no further than the Codex Masculiniti, deemed by many to be the “holiest and manliest of scriptures.” Authored by “the First Primogenitor Ur-Alpha” Gilgamesh Chadz, the Codex is available as a PDF for $3.99 on Amazon Prime (rated 1.3 stars at time of writing), and he knows what he’s talking about. Listen to this passage: “Let it be known that women need not crop their hair to shoulder length, as it makes them look not like Venus, but rather Diana. Let it be known that the average breast contains the volume of two watermelons each. Let it be true that the female waistline shalt be no larger than thine own member, the average penile length being two stacked uncut olives.” I don’t think it gets much clearer than that.

Pique His Interest, Not Just His Wiener!

Men are visual creatures. And when you aren’t dressing in a way that is flawlessly fitted to a man’s subjective view of how women should dress, it’s hard for him to notice you, let alone concentrate on large conversation topics such as “getting a job,” “doing dishes,” and “showering at least once a week.” In order to grab his attention, try swapping out your skimpy I.AM.GIA top for a turtleneck and a Victorian nightgown! If you want to go the extra mile, accessorize with a solid pewter candlestick holder or a lace parasol circa 1916. How can a man ever overlook you when you have a six-foot train?! It’s a common misconception that women have to dress provocatively to catch a man’s eye. In reality, men seek women who keep them guessing at what’s underneath. Trust me ladies, your dream man is out there, and he’s just waiting to catch a glimpse of the silhouette of your ankle under your pantyhose.

Lock Up “The One”

Now that you’ve found “The One,” you have to make him yours forever. Be sure not to scare him off with the m-word. The reason most guys don’t want to walk the aisle is simple: achieving a healthy sex life after marriage is like finding a needle in a haystack hidden in the middle of a 20-acre corn maze somewhere in the Australian Outback. So if you want to get married, do whatever you need to do to make him forget this fact. Pregnancy is a great tool, but babies are only cute for a short amount of time. If you want to keep him long term, you need him to believe that he is the perfect husband. Men who feel constantly criticized for stupid things like “being unfaithful” will go elsewhere; it’s in their nature.

Why Do Guys… Like to Play Catch?

It’s no mistake that a boy playing catch with his dad is a common picture of ideal boyhood: it’s biology. While women release feel-good love hormones when they cradle their beloved child in their arms, a football is roughly the size of a baby, so men’s hormones are activated when they cradle
a leather football in their arms. The all powerful “ball-brain connection” has been with us since the dinosaurs and allows him to develop his most important bonds: the ones
he has with his homies. From a safely heterosexual distance, playing catch primes men to forge purely platonic bonds. Testosterone might make us a bit dumb, but it’s not our fault, we promise. It’s an important part of our development. Even in the most optimal of circumstances, men’s brains don’t finish developing until age 52 — but spending time outside with the boys is the best enrichment for your developing man. Plus, after he gets all those hormones raging, he’ll be great in bed!

Playing catch also readies men to be great dads by preparing instilling a sense of irresponsibility. We’ll toss your feelings right out the window once the kid comes and spend all day at the sports bar. Don’t worry, you didn’t do anything wrong; your man is just doing what his father before him did. It might feel like you’re being left high and dry, but if your man stays out late with his buds tossing the old pigskin, he’s not irresponsible — he’s a catch. Playing catch lets us relive our high school star running back fantasies and prepares us for the most important job we will ever have as fathers: catching the baby when it comes out.

Distribution Lieutenant at The MQ

Kaz Nuckowski is a Copy Editor for the Muir Quarterly. They are usually found in Half Dome laughing and encouraging students to share their wit or giving their own suggestions to make everyone else laugh. Never doubt Kaz and their skills because they will surprise you, especially when the spread has a comic open and they are feeling inspired!

Web Editor at The MQ

Always the life of the party and a constant source of timely commentary and TikToks, Jerry is surely one to know in the MQ. He was recently made web editor last year and has done a great job since then revamping and updating our web presence as an org. If you’re ever bored or find yourself chilling in the MQ office, make sure to take a gander at the walls a play a little game of “Where’s Jerry?”
Hint: winner gets to drive the boat

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