What are the best snacks to bring to my child’s third-degree vehicular manslaughter court date?
— HOMICIDAL HANK

Whatever it is that you bring, make sure that it travels well — vehicular manslaughter is one thing, but smashed cheese is unforgivable! And don’t forget to pack fresh lemons. If your child is not found guilty, you can celebrate by sipping on a refreshing glass of lemonade. If your child is found guilty, squirting lemon juice in the eyes of the judge will give you enough time to escape the courthouse. A themed charcuterie board is my go-to whenever my child gets into trouble with the law! You can bring triangular cheese cones to imitate the real safety cones your child recklessly ignored, brownies with red, green, and yellow M&M’s to mimic the traffic light your child sped through, and miniature hot dogs with four little pickle slices on the sides to represent your son’s weapon of choice — the family minivan. Make sure to put extra ketchup on your hot dogs to symbolize the bloodspill of the innocent victim! It depends, what type of gum? If it’s something cheap like Hubba Bubba, do you really want it sitting in your child’s stomach for seven years? On the other hand, if it’s a nice gum like Mastika’s Mastic Flavored Gum, go right ahead. Better that refreshing, pine and cedar-infused deliciousness fill your child’s stomach than whatever filth they are being served at the school cafeteria. Minimize your daily food spending! Don’t forget to give the little bugger a multivitamin every now and then so they don’t become deficient! -— DRAINED DESMOND Is it wrong to shoot a man on the beach because the sun was in your eyes and your mother is dead?