Man Who Has “Never Had COVID” Discovers Devastating News About His “Allergy Flare-up”

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“I finally figured out why none of his COVID tests came back positive. He takes the test tube liquid like a shot,” said Alex.
Photo by James Woolley

After living through two and a half years of the COVID pandemic, 37-year-old Brian Wicker has managed to never once catch the virus. His solution to surviving the pandemic is to stay inside. “I hardly ever leave the house. I limit myself to one rave, nightclub, or concert every week. And whenever I bring back Tinder dates, I always wear a mask at first,” declared Brian. “In fact, I always carry a mask with me. Seriously, it never leaves my pocket. I haven’t even taken it out since the pandemic began.”

Brian’s roommate, Alex, had a different perspective. “Oh, Brian has had COVID like four times. He’s had more COVID variants than he has thoughts in his head. At times, I’ve wondered if he’s secretly a collector, trying to catch each major variant at least once.”

Brian stated, “I’ve never had COVID. In fact, I hardly ever get sick!” Brian paused to cough, then continued, “In fact, my friends actually nicknamed me ‘Throat Goat’ because I never get sore throats.” However, Alex disclosed privately that Brian does “actually have a sore throat right now, like he does every month. And I don’t think he knows what that nickname means.”

“I haven’t gotten sick since 2019. Except every season my allergies flare up really bad, and a few days after I go out or travel, I usually feel a little under the weather. But that’s just because my body is really exhausted. I swear I’ve never had COVID,” said Brian. “Being inside so much has probably just made me more susceptible to my pollen allergy, that’s all.”

“Do I test?” Brian began, “No, no, no, I never use those COVID rapid test thingies. My buddy Adam told me they steal your DNA and give it to the government to make AI clones.”

When Brian’s roommate questioned him on his testing beliefs, Brain responded, “Okay fine, I’ll take another test for you.” After a silent 15 minutes, Brian showcased his results proudly. “See, look. Two lines. Negative. There you go,” said Brian as he blew his nose into a handkerchief. “Wait, two lines means negative, right? Yeah it must be. I’m so negative, it’s even telling me twice.”

Brian’s allergy flare-up lasted two weeks and resulted in shortness of breath, loss of smell and taste, and a dry cough. Alex, who is now living alone in a new apartment, said, “Brian still refuses to believe he had COVID. He’s calling it a ‘false positive,’ but if it’s just allergies, then Brian must be deathly allergic to coronavirus.”

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