I normally discourage the presence of female protagonists in video games because I believe they are not as strong nor as cool as men. Additionally, female protagonists are just unrealistic. Like, what would happen when the female character gets her period, huh? She’d probably get super emotional and do something irrational like start a war because her nail polish chipped, or she saw a cute animal, or someone disrespected her autonomy. Men would never be that emotional or insecure. That’s why I made it a personal rule to only play video games with sexy, powerful, alpha men like me as the main characters.
There is, however, one video game with a female protagonist that I like to play. And it’s called — and hear me out fellow gamers — Cooking Mama. I love Cooking Mama. It teaches young females how to cook and clean for their husbands, which are two things that females these days don’t do enough of. They’re too busy thinking of things like “equality,” “reproductive rights,” and thinking that they could handle a man’s job. But Cooking Mama puts young girls in their proper place: the kitchen. Not only is this video game encouraging females to become the best housewives they can be, but Cooking Mama herself is also very hot! She’s got the perfect trifecta: she doesn’t talk too much, she’s got enormous honkers, and she reminds me of my mother!
Because Cooking Mama is the perfect female for me, she therefore owes me her body. I’ve developed and tested a number of techniques to bring Cooking Mama to life. At first, I tried using a long vertical pillow with her face, body, and saucepan delicately placed on top of it to make it seem like she was here. But when that didn’t really do it for me, I devised a more reasonable plan to search for and capture Cooking Mama lookalikes in my area. I advertised all around town, hanging up fliers that read: “Seeking Local Milfs: Must Love Cooking and Sex.” I specified the required face and body measurements and added a photo of my mother for reference. I planned on auditioning all the females that responded, accepting only those who satisfy my needs and respond to the name “Mama,” but to my surprise, no females decided to take me up on my offer. At first, I could not figure out why. Perhaps, I pondered, it was the fact that I refused to provide compensation. But then I realized it was probably just because females are so stupid that they couldn’t understand what a privilege it would be to cook for me and have really awesome, really good sex with me!
Even though my excellent plan did not work, I’m not giving up. I’m still determined to receive the sex that Cooking Mama owes me. So, I am calling on all of my fellow misogynistic gamer incels to help me meet my sexy Mama in real life. She is the perfect female for me, and I long for the day I can hold her gigantic mommy milkers in my hands. Please PM me on Reddit @u/gloriousrealm if you have any information that might help me get with the real-life fictional female of my dreams.