Volume 27


Impossible Foods to Release “Horrifyingly Realistic” Human Meat

Written by: Watthew Mare

“Impossible Flesh is great, but I kind of miss putting a real dude’s meat in my mouth,” remarked one customer.Photo by Jack Yang Following their successful reproductions …


Student Spends Four Years Studying Sugar Production, Finally Granulates

Written by: Robert Renfro

Kirby-Newkirk has been criticized for not double majoring in glucose and fructose, stopping him short of a disaccharide.Photo by Maria Dhilla After four years of painstaking theoretical …


Local MILF Willing to “Risk it All” for One Night of Dining Out at Rubio’s Coastal Grill

Written by: George St. Geegland

“We could go wherever you’d like: Rubio’s, Del Taco, Taco Bell, Third Base,” remarked Kooter.Photo by Sharon Roth Described by her stepson, Britchard, as having the “toned …


UCSD Professor Holds Office Hours Days After Exam, Considered for Position in CAPS

Written by: Gage Tanzman

In the syllabus, Professor Weyting stated: “If these office hours don’t work for you, let’s meet never.”Photo by Jack Yang UCSD Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) has …


Environmentalist Worried After Interest Surges in New Cryptocurrency: KermitCoin

Written by: Jacob King

“I thought I was buying the dip,” said @TheOmniEagle, “but turns out it wasn’t easy being green.”Photo by Jack Yang From shopping to entertainment, digital technology has …


UCSD Senior “Living in Hell,” Doing Everything Except Schoolwork

Written by: Hanaa Moosavi

“The only thing I’m pro at is procrastination,” said Adani.Photo by Maria Dhilla As the summer approaches, UCSD seniors have shown a rise in therapy appointments and …


Stickman Stuck at Dead-end Job

Written by: The MQ

Has no exit strategy


Local Man Claims Cereal Box Art Made Him a Furry

Written by: Yuri Bukhradze

Fox says, “It’s not just a meal, mom.”Photo by Sharon Roth George Fox, a 21-year-old San Diegan and avid fan of breakfast cereal, claims that his love …


Local Bakery Releases New Product

Written by: The MQ

Described as “macawrong”


Area Man to Resume In-Person Conversation Mid-June

Written by: Dan Kaliblotzky

After the party, Kalebloomsky said, “The dude I was talking to wouldn’t leaf me alone.”Photo by Sharon Roth It has been announced that COVID-19 restrictions on local …