Volume 27
Impossible Foods to Release “Horrifyingly Realistic” Human Meat
“Impossible Flesh is great, but I kind of miss putting a real dude’s meat in my mouth,” remarked one customer.Photo by Jack Yang Following their successful reproductions …
Student Spends Four Years Studying Sugar Production, Finally Granulates
Kirby-Newkirk has been criticized for not double majoring in glucose and fructose, stopping him short of a disaccharide.Photo by Maria Dhilla After four years of painstaking theoretical …
Local MILF Willing to “Risk it All” for One Night of Dining Out at Rubio’s Coastal Grill
“We could go wherever you’d like: Rubio’s, Del Taco, Taco Bell, Third Base,” remarked Kooter.Photo by Sharon Roth Described by her stepson, Britchard, as having the “toned …
UCSD Professor Holds Office Hours Days After Exam, Considered for Position in CAPS
In the syllabus, Professor Weyting stated: “If these office hours don’t work for you, let’s meet never.”Photo by Jack Yang UCSD Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) has …
Environmentalist Worried After Interest Surges in New Cryptocurrency: KermitCoin
“I thought I was buying the dip,” said @TheOmniEagle, “but turns out it wasn’t easy being green.”Photo by Jack Yang From shopping to entertainment, digital technology has …
Local Senior Procrastinates Having Senioritis
Murphy reported that his nervous system was working just fine because he is “so nervous all time.”Photo by Sharon Roth During a recent intervention staged by his …
Top Ten Abominations Made by The Swiss Army Corporation
Top Ten Abominations Made by The Swiss Army Corporation Swiss Army Spork Swiss Army Navy Swiss Army Nipple Piercing Swiss Army Wife Swiss Army Unstoppable Force …
Wizards of the Coast Announces New D&D Book: The Curse of QAnon
“Thank God I don’t have to keep homebrewing this sort of thing,” commented one tired dungeon master.Photo by Jack Yang At an investor meeting yesterday, Wizards of …
Dr Pepper Forced to Pay Fine When Drink is Revealed to Contain Less Than 20% Doctors
It has notes of arrogance and student loans.Photo by Sharon Roth A high profile class-action lawsuit against Doctor Pepper over the doctoral composition of the eponymous soft …
“Pomp and Circumcision” To Be Played at UCSD Graduation Following Chancellor’s “Head Tax” Announcement
“What happens if you’re double majoring?” asked a concerned student.Photo by Jack Yang Faced with the mounting pushback against raising tuition, Chancellor Khosla has decided to temporarily …
