Volume 27

ArticlesLocalNewsTech

Impossible Foods to Release “Horrifyingly Realistic” Human Meat

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“Impossible Flesh is great, but I kind of miss putting a real dude’s meat in my mouth,” remarked one customer.Photo by Jack Yang Following their successful reproductions …

ArticlesCampusNews

Student Spends Four Years Studying Sugar Production, Finally Granulates

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Kirby-Newkirk has been criticized for not double majoring in glucose and fructose, stopping him short of a disaccharide.Photo by Maria Dhilla After four years of painstaking theoretical …

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Local MILF Willing to “Risk it All” for One Night of Dining Out at Rubio’s Coastal Grill

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“We could go wherever you’d like: Rubio’s, Del Taco, Taco Bell, Third Base,” remarked Kooter.Photo by Sharon Roth Described by her stepson, Britchard, as having the “toned …

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UCSD Professor Holds Office Hours Days After Exam, Considered for Position in CAPS

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In the syllabus, Professor Weyting stated: “If these office hours don’t work for you, let’s meet never.”Photo by Jack Yang UCSD Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) has …

ArticlesTech

Environmentalist Worried After Interest Surges in New Cryptocurrency: KermitCoin

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“I thought I was buying the dip,” said @TheOmniEagle, “but turns out it wasn’t easy being green.”Photo by Jack Yang From shopping to entertainment, digital technology has …

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Area Man to Resume In-Person Conversation Mid-June

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After the party, Kalebloomsky said, “The dude I was talking to wouldn’t leaf me alone.”Photo by Sharon Roth It has been announced that COVID-19 restrictions on local …

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Top Ten Pairs of Guests to Invite to Your Graduation

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Top Ten Pairs of Guests to Invite to Your Graduation Simon and Garfunkel Your two most contagious friends The upper and lower halves of Darth Maul …

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Top Ten Last Words

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Top Ten Last Words Drunk driving? More like funk driving, hey-o! Haha, you’re on thin ice! Are you sure you put the poison in the other …

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Top Ten Best Names for Your Beloved Racehorse to Show How Much You Cherish Them

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Top Ten Best Names for Your Beloved Racehorse to Show How Much You Cherish Them Lyndon’s Big Johnson Horse Divorce Nightmare Nelson Piss Biscuit Pulitzer Prize …

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Local Senior Procrastinates Having Senioritis

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Murphy reported that his nervous system was working just fine because he is “so nervous all time.”Photo by Sharon Roth During a recent intervention staged by his …