When asked about anti-vaxxers, both sides stated, “Do not speak to us of the heretics — the non-believers. Even a false god is better than none.”
Photo by Maria Dhilla
Starting in April, all college students received the opportunity to obtain any of the three most popular brands of COVID-19 vaccines, and many of these young adults have jumped at this offer. In this time of positivity and hope, young people all around the globe are banding together to get back to normality by excluding and deriding others over obscure and often petty differences. The latest point of contention is the brand of the vaccine that one has received.
“It’s not that hard to figure out,” said second-year Jim Manson. “The people who got the Moderna vaccine welcome healthy change, and take bigger risks often at the cost of their own health. People with Pfizer are more analytical, and take some time to open up to new environments, but are the most loyal. People who took Johnson & Johnson are freaks.”
As a natural consequence of cultural phenomena made famous by the internet and bored, lonely people who have nothing to occupy their time with after finishing the most recent miniseries on Netflix, many subcultures have developed. Ora Scope, whose Twitter handle is @pfeistypfizer, tweeted “Honey, if he says he’s a Pfizer that’s fine, but make sure he got his first shot on an even-numbered day, or he’ll drop you like Netflix does to successful shows after the third season.” Numerous rules have been implemented to fully define the start and end of a specific subgroup, including the date, time, arm choice, size of the CVS pharmacy, general attractiveness of the healthcare worker, and degree of arm pain on the following day.
“I admit that a lot of people had some points about how I deal with loss, and my inability to commit to things once I fully conceptualize how much effort is needed to complete my goals,” said Scope, “But to anyone who says that I’m going to work in a caregiver-related field needs to double check their sources. My 101.3 degree fever on day two coupled with my second shot being on a Monday beg to differ.”
Manson and Scope are some of many who adhere to this new lifestyle, actively perpetrated by the companies who distribute the vaccines. “No one’s saying you can’t be friends with people who got other vaccines, but in your heart of hearts, you still know they’re the enemy,” explained Manson. “Your vaccine’s company is the one who truly understands you for you. They accept you. They healed you. You have been baptized in their wonderful, cleansing fluids. You have been reborn a stronger, more interesting, more special person. Your company gives you all the answers you need in life. And whoever isn’t with you is against you, you know? How can you trust other companies when they’re trying to undermine the only thing in the world that gives you stability and happiness?”
Manson went on: “Why would other companies make a different version of the vaccine? Who would go against such a warm and friendly company? Why are so many non-believers asking questions about why the companies aren’t sharing their patent for the vaccine, thereby impeding scientific studies that would be conducted for ‘the betterment of society,’ or some shit? Our company gave us the vaccine out of the kindness of their heart and also to get profit! The other greedy companies are only looking out for their own self-interest. It doesn’t matter that you think my company does that too. It’s your own fault that you can’t comprehend how it’s different. It’s your own fault your company doesn’t trust you like mine does. It’s your fault, and everything is going wrong because of you. I’m doing great, because my company is doing great, and they’ll look out for me. Right?”
Former Editor-in-Chief. Like an ouroboros, her jokes consume themselves until no one knows whether they were ever funny. But they are.
