Impossible Foods to Release “Horrifyingly Realistic” Human Meat

Written by: Matthew Ware

“Impossible Flesh is great, but I kind of miss putting a real dude’s meat in my mouth,” remarked one customer.Photo by Jack Yang Following their successful reproductions …


Student Spends Four Years Studying Sugar Production, Finally Granulates

Written by: Robert Renfro

Kirby-Newkirk has been criticized for not double majoring in glucose and fructose, stopping him short of a disaccharide.Photo by Maria Dhilla After four years of painstaking theoretical …


Local MILF Willing to “Risk it All” for One Night of Dining Out at Rubio’s Coastal Grill

Written by: George St. Geegland

“We could go wherever you’d like: Rubio’s, Del Taco, Taco Bell, Third Base,” remarked Kooter.Photo by Sharon Roth Described by her stepson, Britchard, as having the “toned …


UCSD Professor Holds Office Hours Days After Exam, Considered for Position in CAPS

Written by: Gage Tanzman

In the syllabus, Professor Weyting stated: “If these office hours don’t work for you, let’s meet never.”Photo by Jack Yang UCSD Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) has …


Environmentalist Worried After Interest Surges in New Cryptocurrency: KermitCoin

Written by: Jacob King

“I thought I was buying the dip,” said @TheOmniEagle, “but turns out it wasn’t easy being green.”Photo by Jack Yang From shopping to entertainment, digital technology has …


Dr Pepper Forced to Pay Fine When Drink is Revealed to Contain Less Than 20% Doctors

Written by: Kaz Nuckowski

It has notes of arrogance and student loans.Photo by Sharon Roth A high profile class-action lawsuit against Doctor Pepper over the doctoral composition of the eponymous soft …


“Pomp and Circumcision” To Be Played at UCSD Graduation Following Chancellor’s “Head Tax” Announcement

Written by: Lily Everheart

“What happens if you’re double majoring?” asked a concerned student.Photo by Jack Yang Faced with the mounting pushback against raising tuition, Chancellor Khosla has decided to temporarily …


I Got the COVID-19 Vaccine and It Destroyed My Work- Out Drive

Written by: Andrew Sitko

By H. I. Tee Local Workout “Enthusiast” The COVID-19 pandemic is a real event, and it has affected many people in my community. I do not …


Local Scrabble Champion Outraged: “If Marijuana is Legal, Proper Nouns Should Be Too”

Written by: Gage Tanzman

Moms have been concerned that this scrabble will lead kids to dabble in more complex word games.Photo by Maria Dhilla The legalization of marijuana has been making …


Susan’s Foolproof Bagels

Written by: Dan Kaliblotzky and Sharon Roth

Gluten Tag! Welcome to the latest edition of Susan’s mostly-baking-but-really-just-a-venting-session Baking Blog where she tackles Bagels (and the encroachment of loneliness into her life)