“What happens if you’re double majoring?” asked a concerned student.
Photo by Jack Yang
Faced with the mounting pushback against raising tuition, Chancellor Khosla has decided to temporarily pause his tuition-oriented schemes to extract all possible resources from his students in favor of a new “head tax” on the graduating class. Specifically, Khosla has mandated the circumcision of all eligible graduates as a new requirement.
“I envision a commencement where they will line up and walk onto the stage, eyes shining, ready to step into a new chapter of their life,” explained Charlie Choplin, “and then we make the cut.” Choplin, head coordinator of the ceremony, continued: “Ideally, on each downbeat of the song, we would do the snip snip,” he said gesturing in an opening-and-closing-scissor-motion with his fingers while conducting a marching tempo. “That way each downbeat of the graduation song will be punctuated by the joyful cries of achieving one’s dreams. Sometimes a little snip is all one needs to get their gratitude and school spirit to flow. We even rearranged the music. We took that monotonous graduation song and added some lines from Chopin, and voila! We got ‘Pomp and Circumcision.’”
When asked about the potential religious implications of this ceremony, Khosla referred to his specialist, Dr. Knipps of the Snipps Institute of Theology. Dr. Knipps explained that “Abraham’s circumcision of his son Isaac was the incarnation of his covenant with God, according to Genesis 17:9 — ” “And likewise,” boomed the Chancellor vitriolically, cutting off Dr. Knipps, “I expect you, my followers, my patrons, to shed your heads. Offer me this sacrament as a dedicated member of the student body. Pay tribute to me, Chancellor of Chancellors, Administrator of Administrators, Omnipotent Lord of UCSD, and now Beloved Genitalior, the almighty Chancellord Goddeep Khosla.” He added, “After all, we all know that since I raised tuition so high, you’re not donating, so this is really just a gentle nudge in the right direction.”
These demands ignited the ire of much of the graduating student body. Following the announcement, an incensed group gathered outside Geisel to demonstrate against the Chancellor’s “Head Tax.” One protesting student, Kurt Kutis, commented, “His demands have been getting under my skin throughout my entire time at UCSD. First he hikes up my tuition, then takes away guaranteed housing plus any and all viable parking, and now Little Kurt’s cozy-wozy wittle hood?! That is where I draw the line!” Another student reflected, “It’s not even the circumcision that’s the problem. It’s a totally normal thing, and even hygienic. A lot of people are circumcised. And that’s okay. The problem is the audacity of this man. Who does this power-hungry tyrant think he is? This is outrageous! And ‘Goddeep…’ Sheesh… That’s a bit much. More like he’s got me deep. Soon, I won’t just be swimming in all this student debt… but in blood.”
Offering further comment, Khosla declared, “I’m going to do it with this bad boy here,” fondly patting his tuition-funded, custom-made, self-sterilizing, self-sharpening, COVID-19 safe, multimillion dollar, 10 foot long, solid gold pair of scissors. Or, as he calls it, “The Foreskinerator.” Weighing in at over 1200 pounds, it takes four people, two robotic arms, and one highly motivated Chancellor with a bull horn to operate. “What’s a man gonna’ need a gigantic golden pair of scissors for if he’s not compensating for something else?” posed a critic of the device. Other opponents have ridiculed the purchase, calling it a “gross misuse of student funds.” In response, Khosla retorted, “I am just following normal procedure. Normally, I would use this absurdly large pair of scissors to cut the ribbon at the opening ceremonies to some building, but this time it’s even better! Now I get to cut, umm, a different type of ribbon, and open the student to the next chapter of their lives.”
Always the life of the party and a constant source of timely commentary and TikToks, Jerry is surely one to know in the MQ. He was recently made web editor last year and has done a great job since then revamping and updating our web presence as an org. If you’re ever bored or find yourself chilling in the MQ office, make sure to take a gander at the walls a play a little game of “Where’s Jerry?”
Hint: winner gets to drive the boat