Volume 27 Issue 7

ArticlesLocalNewsTech

Impossible Foods to Release “Horrifyingly Realistic” Human Meat

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“Impossible Flesh is great, but I kind of miss putting a real dude’s meat in my mouth,” remarked one customer.Photo by Jack Yang Following their successful reproductions …

ArticlesCampusNews

Student Spends Four Years Studying Sugar Production, Finally Granulates

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Kirby-Newkirk has been criticized for not double majoring in glucose and fructose, stopping him short of a disaccharide.Photo by Maria Dhilla After four years of painstaking theoretical …

ArticlesLocalNews

Local MILF Willing to “Risk it All” for One Night of Dining Out at Rubio’s Coastal Grill

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“We could go wherever you’d like: Rubio’s, Del Taco, Taco Bell, Third Base,” remarked Kooter.Photo by Sharon Roth Described by her stepson, Britchard, as having the “toned …

ArticlesCampusNews

UCSD Professor Holds Office Hours Days After Exam, Considered for Position in CAPS

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In the syllabus, Professor Weyting stated: “If these office hours don’t work for you, let’s meet never.”Photo by Jack Yang UCSD Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) has …

ArticlesTech

Environmentalist Worried After Interest Surges in New Cryptocurrency: KermitCoin

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“I thought I was buying the dip,” said @TheOmniEagle, “but turns out it wasn’t easy being green.”Photo by Jack Yang From shopping to entertainment, digital technology has …

ArticlesNewsTech

Video Game Journalist Learns to Jump During Final Boss Battle

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Lee stated, “This game’s characters are so hard to follow. I don’t know who to pick — Singleplayer or Co-op?”Photo by Jack Yang While working on a …

ArticlesEditorialOpinion

Oh the Places You’ll Go! (After You Move Back In with Your Parents)

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As I look out upon my novelty calendar featuring inspirational cat photos, I am reminded that I have not a fortnight before I don my gown …

ArticlesLocalNews

Italian Populace Celebrates 25 Years Since the Eruption of Pompeii

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“Magma mia, that’s a spicy volcano!” said Giuseppe.Photo by Sharon Roth Historical anniversaries are often met with mixed emotions, but the tragic eruption that occurred in Pompeii, …

ArticlesCampusNews

Violent Clashes Occur as UCPD Shuts Down Unsanctioned Open Mic

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“Man, I hate having to get bailed out by my parents. So embarrassing,” said Leigh.Photo by Maria Dhilla At 5:00 p.m. on Friday, May 14, a crowd …

ArticlesLocalNews

Snickering Researchers Warn of New Threat Posed by Updog

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Scientists have looked up high and down low, but unfortunately they have been too slow to catch the mysterious Updog.Photo by Maria Dhilla According to several extensive …