Volume 27 Issue 7

ArticlesLocalNewsTech

Impossible Foods to Release “Horrifyingly Realistic” Human Meat

Written by: Watthew Mare

“Impossible Flesh is great, but I kind of miss putting a real dude’s meat in my mouth,” remarked one customer.Photo by Jack Yang Following their successful reproductions …

ArticlesCampusNews

Student Spends Four Years Studying Sugar Production, Finally Granulates

Written by: Robert Renfro

Kirby-Newkirk has been criticized for not double majoring in glucose and fructose, stopping him short of a disaccharide.Photo by Maria Dhilla After four years of painstaking theoretical …

ArticlesLocalNews

Local MILF Willing to “Risk it All” for One Night of Dining Out at Rubio’s Coastal Grill

Written by: George St. Geegland

“We could go wherever you’d like: Rubio’s, Del Taco, Taco Bell, Third Base,” remarked Kooter.Photo by Sharon Roth Described by her stepson, Britchard, as having the “toned …

ArticlesCampusNews

UCSD Professor Holds Office Hours Days After Exam, Considered for Position in CAPS

Written by: Gage Tanzman

In the syllabus, Professor Weyting stated: “If these office hours don’t work for you, let’s meet never.”Photo by Jack Yang UCSD Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) has …

ArticlesTech

Environmentalist Worried After Interest Surges in New Cryptocurrency: KermitCoin

Written by: Jacob King

“I thought I was buying the dip,” said @TheOmniEagle, “but turns out it wasn’t easy being green.”Photo by Jack Yang From shopping to entertainment, digital technology has …

Top Ten

Top Ten Best Names for Your Beloved Racehorse to Show How Much You Cherish Them

Written by: The MQ

Top Ten Best Names for Your Beloved Racehorse to Show How Much You Cherish Them Lyndon’s Big Johnson Horse Divorce Nightmare Nelson Piss Biscuit Pulitzer Prize …

ArticlesCampusNews

Local Senior Procrastinates Having Senioritis

Written by: Stephen Lightfoot

Murphy reported that his nervous system was working just fine because he is “so nervous all time.”Photo by Sharon Roth During a recent intervention staged by his …

Top Ten

Top Ten Abominations Made by The Swiss Army Corporation

Written by: The MQ

Top Ten Abominations Made by The Swiss Army Corporation Swiss Army Spork Swiss Army Navy Swiss Army Nipple Piercing Swiss Army Wife Swiss Army Unstoppable Force …

ArticlesLocalNewsPolitics

Wizards of the Coast Announces New D&D Book: The Curse of QAnon

Written by: Jacob King

“Thank God I don’t have to keep homebrewing this sort of thing,” commented one tired dungeon master.Photo by Jack Yang At an investor meeting yesterday, Wizards of …

ArticlesLocalNews

Dr Pepper Forced to Pay Fine When Drink is Revealed to Contain Less Than 20% Doctors

Written by: Kaz Nuckowski

It has notes of arrogance and student loans.Photo by Sharon Roth A high profile class-action lawsuit against Doctor Pepper over the doctoral composition of the eponymous soft …