Volume 27 Issue 7
Impossible Foods to Release “Horrifyingly Realistic” Human Meat
“Impossible Flesh is great, but I kind of miss putting a real dude’s meat in my mouth,” remarked one customer.Photo by Jack Yang Following their successful reproductions …
Student Spends Four Years Studying Sugar Production, Finally Granulates
Kirby-Newkirk has been criticized for not double majoring in glucose and fructose, stopping him short of a disaccharide.Photo by Maria Dhilla After four years of painstaking theoretical …
Local MILF Willing to “Risk it All” for One Night of Dining Out at Rubio’s Coastal Grill
“We could go wherever you’d like: Rubio’s, Del Taco, Taco Bell, Third Base,” remarked Kooter.Photo by Sharon Roth Described by her stepson, Britchard, as having the “toned …
UCSD Professor Holds Office Hours Days After Exam, Considered for Position in CAPS
In the syllabus, Professor Weyting stated: “If these office hours don’t work for you, let’s meet never.”Photo by Jack Yang UCSD Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) has …
Environmentalist Worried After Interest Surges in New Cryptocurrency: KermitCoin
“I thought I was buying the dip,” said @TheOmniEagle, “but turns out it wasn’t easy being green.”Photo by Jack Yang From shopping to entertainment, digital technology has …
New Dystopian Factions Emerge From Fanatical Vaccine Recipients
When asked about anti-vaxxers, both sides stated, “Do not speak to us of the heretics — the non-believers. Even a false god is better than none.”Photo …
UCSD Senior “Living in Hell,” Doing Everything Except Schoolwork
“The only thing I’m pro at is procrastination,” said Adani.Photo by Maria Dhilla As the summer approaches, UCSD seniors have shown a rise in therapy appointments and …
Stickman Stuck at Dead-end Job
Has no exit strategy
Local Man Claims Cereal Box Art Made Him a Furry
Fox says, “It’s not just a meal, mom.”Photo by Sharon Roth George Fox, a 21-year-old San Diegan and avid fan of breakfast cereal, claims that his love …
Local Bakery Releases New Product
Described as “macawrong”
