After the party, Kalebloomsky said, “The dude I was talking to wouldn’t leaf me alone.”
Photo by Sharon Roth
It has been announced that COVID-19 restrictions on local man Daniel Kalebloomsky’s social life may be lifted by mid-June. This announcement follows news of Kalebloomsky’s vaccination and subsequent two weeks of sitting around his apartment doing nothing as he waited for full immunity. “Now that I’m vaccinated, things can finally start to change,” said Kalebloomsky. “Everything will go back to normal and I’m going to be able to be a complete party animal. It will be just like before the pandemic!” Kalebloomsky reportedly attended no parties in the months prior to the pandemic.
Kalebloomsky plans to continue social distancing for an additional month “on purpose,” for safety. “I want to see people again, really badly. So I’m going to make plans. Because that’s not a stressful thing to do, right? I’ll definitely make plans. So many plans. I’ll never have a waking moment to myself. That’s what happy people do, right?” To sustain social interaction during the pandemic, Kalebloomsky registered on DoorDash as “Dan’s Pizza”. However, no orders were delivered, as he flushed his phone down the toilet after seeing a notification from someone he didn’t know. “I also tried some socially distanced conversations back in July, but I’ve been really struggling with small talk business. I considered starting a GoFundMe to help, but then instead of social anxiety, I would have social anxiety and money.”
The conversation-starting process will take place over the next month, subject to change based on how cringey the text Kalebloomsky just typed out looks to him. Further projected obstructions are ruminations on whether or not people still say “down,” contemplations on the history of his use of “sick” in the positive slang way, and breakable unspoken promises that he will reach out “tomorrow.” Kalebloomsky will reportedly proceed with a soft opening to conversations in mid-June, consisting of “Are you free this Friday?” or maybe just “hey.”
“Social anxiety worldwide has had a steep downfall in demand in the past year, so introverts worldwide are preparing for a strong reentry into the hateful self-talk industry,” reported pathological business metaphor researcher Anne Gashuss. Gashuss is currently running a study examining the use of “I don’t know” as a filler word by adults seeing therapists paid for with their small business loans. “Lots of people are concerned that the pandemic has made them a weaker, worse person,” Gashuss said. “I’d tell those people not to worry. You were just this bad before the pandemic; you just never had to face it.”