Local Workout “Enthusiast”
The COVID-19 pandemic is a real event, and it has affected many people in my community. I do not subscribe to any conspiracy theories; I’ve self-isolated and only gotten groceries and fast food while wearing a face covering. While I trust science and I follow all the protocols given to me, I can’t stand by and let misinformation from health officials about the COVID-19 vaccine go unchecked. I received the second dose of my COVID vaccination, and it has sapped my strength permanently, stopping me from pursuing my intense workout regimen.
Everyone told me that the second vaccine hit hard, and that I might be bedridden for about a day. They said that I may get a high fever, or feel as if I needed to sleep, and I was prepared. But, it turns out I didn’t get any symptoms like they described, except for a slight pain in the arm. Since nothing was wearing me down, I decided to head to the gym that had just reopened. I started with my usual pre-pandemic routine, and decided to hit the bench after some stretches. I packed 250 on the bar and slid under it, I pressed against the bar with all my might, and it didn’t budge. Darting eyes around the gym made quick glances at me in pity. I thought I simply had a little bit of muscle to make back up due to not being in a gym for a while, so I reduced to 230, then I reduced to 210, to 150, to 100, to 50. I was able to lift 50, but I couldn’t finish my usual 10 sets of 30. Nervous, I followed my emergency procedures and ran into the bathroom, shoveling packets of pre-workout into my mouth and washing it down with a spare Dr Pepper I had in my bag. Feeling pumped with my new mix, I launched under the bar packing on my original 250 and failed. I still couldn’t lift the bar, despite the lung-damaging amount of pre-workout I had just inhaled.
Defeated, I went home, grabbed a six by six with extra cheesy animal fries and three shakes of each flavor (They don’t mix the Neapolitan right, so I make a home mix), then went on the computer to research the effects of the COVID-19 vaccine. To my surprise, nobody warned of complete and total loss of muscular function and a wholesale sap of strength. I jumped on /fit and asked the community what they thought could have happened to me. They just called me “a soyboy libcuck,” so I jumped on r/fitness, and all they told me is that I probably hadn’t worked out in a while. I took full offense to the notion that my personal strength suddenly leaving my body was my fault, and I threw my Monster Energy I was mixing into the homebrew Neapolitan against the pile of cans I had accumulated in my room over the past months. I mean, yeah, I took a month or two off, who expects you to work out at the same regiment with calisthenics? And yeah, maybe I stopped doing my workouts last June, but that shouldn’t hinder me from benching any less than 10 pounds off my personal best.
Clearly the government is holding some information that is affecting workout enthusiasts and no one is talking about it. I feel like we are being suppressed as a group and we are being hidden in plain sight. I’m organizing a march on the Capitol soon, but I’ll stay in my car as walking up those steps seems a little too energy heavy for me currently.
Andrew Sitko was recently arrested by the comedy police and charged for Possession of Killer Jokes. This is their second offense following a Grand Larceny charge from January 27th, 2003.
