It has notes of arrogance and student loans.
Photo by Sharon Roth
A high profile class-action lawsuit against Doctor Pepper over the doctoral composition of the eponymous soft drink was finally settled earlier this month. In addition to a hefty billion dollar fine, Doctor Pepper has faced mounting legal pressure to rebrand to “Dr Pepper” to better reflect the composition of the drink. In testimony, many customers claimed they were misled to believe Doctor Pepper was a soda composed “exclusively” of doctors “of the medical variety.” In light of the company’s branding, protestors deemed the inclusion of the blood of economic professors accredited by online universities as unacceptable. “We just feel really betrayed, you know?” stated long time Doctor Pepper chugger, Angela Prinkey. “You always think that you can trust big brand, faceless corporations because their Twitter accounts post relatable memes. And yet, every time, you’re disappointed.”
One outspoken activist for consumer rights, Sarah Lippert, offered comment on the issue. “If you’re going to brand your drink as ‘Doctor Pepper,’ then you should be upfront about the true contents. If my soda doesn’t meet the threshold requirement of medical professional blood and bodily fluids to be a true soda, then it shouldn’t be labelled as such. I have the right to know whose piss I’m drinking! I can tell the difference and I’m tired of being peddled fake food. I will become a zealous brand loyalist to Pepsi if you don’t follow through on your labelling.” After the interview, Lippert was seen hugging her legs while seated in a metal folding chair, rocking slowly back and forth and sobbing, “Why can’t there be ethical consumption of doctors under capitalism? Why all the lies?”
This Tuesday, company executives formally announced the branding change in a press release. “To our loyal followers: our popular soft drink beverage is still here — in all its 23 flavors you have come to love. We are reinventing ourselves as Dr Pepper to show you we have heard your concerns. Our soft drink beverage now contains more qualified professionals than ever before. Please forgive us. Cross the picket line, you know you want to. We are just a wittle baby cowpowation and we didn’t know any better.” When shown the press release, Lippert noted, “Look, they don’t even call it a soda anymore. Legally, they can’t — which is a win. Technically, they couldn’t all along, but when have big businesses ever cared about the truth? They just want to make money. ‘Qualified professionals’ my ass…”
Chief Marketing Officer for Dr Pepper, Adam Spingrate, also commented on the situation. “They’re going to keep drinking it anyway, does it matter whether or not we are being honest about our manufacturing process? At least they’re caught up in the ingredients and not the ethics of our labor practices or the amassed market control of conglomerate corporate monopolies.” When questioned further, Spingrate started sweating and combing his hands through his hair compulsively. “Please don’t research our labor practices. Unions are definitely totally allowed, uh huh. Yep. Pinky promise.” After a moment of awkward silence, Spingrate exclaimed, “Hey, anybody want a Dr. Pepper? I got a bunch of cold ones in the cooler here!” Attendees of the press conference rushed to grab their free drinks.
Kaz Nuckowski is a Copy Editor for the Muir Quarterly. They are usually found in Half Dome laughing and encouraging students to share their wit or giving their own suggestions to make everyone else laugh. Never doubt Kaz and their skills because they will surprise you, especially when the spread has a comic open and they are feeling inspired!
