“The only thing I’m pro at is procrastination,” said Adani.
Photo by Maria Dhilla
As the summer approaches, UCSD seniors have shown a rise in therapy appointments and missed assignments across the entire class. Multitudes of fourth-years report displays of multiple red zeroes on Canvas, as professors have begun to log in every missed assignment, slept-through lecture, and “immensely profound” emails asking for extensions or class attendance pardons. One student in particular, Jamila Adani, has been pushing the limits of what the school calls “excessive senioritis.”
“I swear I am not doing this on purpose,” Adani told reporters after waking up late for her third rescheduled interview. “It’s been difficult balancing all the different things I have to do, y’know? Like I have all these commitments from my previous years at this stupid school, and I hold officer positions in some of them because, of course, I had to show my dedication to these orgs! That means more work, and now, the will to do anything is just not there. I was even promoted at work. Promoted! But do you think I am going to work just as hard as I did when I was sitting in my nice ergonomic chair at the office? NO! Don’t you remember? We are in the middle of a fucking goddamn governmentally inept cluster— ” Adani’s statement was cut off due to internet lag.
After reaching out to Adani’s Critical Political Thinking professor, Gregory Sands, to get a statement on her recent work in class, Sands seemed confused. “Jamila Adani? Jamila Adani. Hm … And she’s definitely in my class?” After some time, and pulling up the class roster, Sands claimed, “Oh yeah, she emailed me around 11 minutes after a recent deadline had passed. It was actually really funny. She spent three whole sentences owning her ‘tactlessness’ and ‘poor-planning,’ sending me a paragraph of an email asking for the potential of an extension. I told her I was happy to award a dedicated student this ‘one-time leeway.’ I mean, anything to avoid reading another novel in my Gmail inbox.”
“No, it’s really bad,” Adani’s friend Helfy Kuswar admitted. “Jamila never reaches out about her issues, she doesn’t like to vent — ever. But one night, around 11:24 p.m., I got like seven texts from her freaking out about all the different assignments she had to do.” Kuswar told reporters that Adani was “driven so far over the edge,” that seeing her dog poop in the house — after the longest accident-free period of household puppy digestive behavior ever recorded in recent history — made her burst into tears.
“Students like Adani are everywhere,” claimed Dr. Tamereek Cressor, who in a recent study “confirmed what everyone already knew” when she measured that seniors’ motivation levels and general interest in learning have dropped exponentially in correlation to online schooling. “They are suffering from something more serious than the potential COVID-19 threats. The danger of senioritis, the threat of failing out of every course registered for the quarter, and the mistake of cutting hair into an unflattering style and crying over it — all of these very likely incidents conflate into the larger issue of dealing with the future, and possibly needing to ask for a graduation extension, which is a fate worse than death.
Whether you’re at a FOOSH showcase or an MQ meeting, you’ll be sure to hear Hanaa Moosavi laugh—even through her own jokes, and we love her for it. You can catch Hanaa lurking on Facebook, serving her god Mark Zuckerberg as the Muir Quarterly Social and Publicity Ottoman. Hanaa has also been sighted chowing down on her favorite food in the Muir quad, developing her latest scheme to become the first emperor of America: one chaotic MQ comic at a time. That is, when she isn’t crying over dog pictures.
